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Part II of a two-part project inspired by a produced by Interval House of Hamilton-Wentworth.

Abuse, much like any form of oppression, is born of the belief that one person (or group) has “the right” to control another person or group. This kind of control is authoritarian and dominating.

We learn, as we are socialised, conditioned and formally educated, that Power and Control are necessary for “success”, often times a concept synonymous with “happiness” or “fortune”. Those who are most quickly able to access Power and Control, and maintain it, usually are also able to access many unearned privileges.

Some people believe it is “normal” or “natural” for one person (or group of people) to be in charge, and for other people (or groups of people) to follow the lead. A connected belief is that this dichotomy — between “naturally” dominant and “naturally” subservient — rationally justifies the ways in which certain people (or groups of people) are “punished” by those with more Power and Control. The prominent example is that of how men are assumed to be more powerful and more in-control than women.

Much of the forms of media we are exposed to throughout our lives, as well as the ways in which we are educated in school or church, and the ways we are socialised in our families and peer-relationships reinforce these beliefs. This is to say that the belief that some people are worthy of more Power and Control, while others are fated to suppression, is ingrained in many aspects of our social structure.

A person may have excuses for abusive behaviour — “they drink too much”; “they take drugs”; “they ‘just’ have a bad temper”; “they are very stressed out”; “they work a lot”; etc. People who abuse their power and who control others will often blame their abusive behaviours on something or someone else — often the person (or people) they are abusing, or acting oppressively toward.

Some abusers might suggest that they … “wouldn’t have to act that way if you would just lay off”, etc. They may suggest the abused/oppressed people are the blame. They might try to say they simply can not control their own behaviour, or that it is not their responsibility.

If you suspect you may be in an abusive relationship, Remember — You Are Not to Blame! Abusive behaviour can be controlled!

What Can You Do??

• Talk about it. Start by telling someone you feel comfortable with and trusting of; open up to a close friend; chat in person, or online; visit www.compassiopit.com to access an anonymous online one-on-one chat to get your concerns off you chest (please note this resource is not for crisis); call a crisis support line if you don’t have internet access  — 905.525.4162.
  You are safer when others are aware of what you are experiencing!
  Learning how to talk about what we are going through is the first big step.
• Document your experiences — Write down your experiences of abuse, or times you have personally witnessed the Warning Signs of Abuse or assault. Even if you do not want to take action right now. This may be important for future reference (e.g. if you are forgetful, if you end up in a position where you need to try to ‘prove yourself’.)
• If you are unable to access any other forms of support, you might want to consider calling the police. Know that police may not validate your struggles, and they may not actually do anything to protect you. Sometimes, the police may dismiss your concerns, or even put you in positions that could further jeopardize your safety. If you can prove (with evidence deemed ‘acceptable’ by the police) that you have been assaulted, you may be able to achieve a restraining order.
• Consider contacting a shelter — they may be able to offer a place to stay, free/low-cost counselling, or phone support. You do not have to struggle alone!
• Develop a safety plan. Know about all the ways to get out of the house, or have friends/support on call if you can. If you can keep a bag of resources, possibly hidden, but accessible for you, it could help — $40, list of numbers, bandages, extra tampons, etc. 
• Memorise emergency numbers; keep spare keeps handy. Write out a second or third list of important numbers; keep a bit of spare cash handy.
• Learn the locations of nearby shelters. 
• If you have children, plan ahead. Having someone in-the-know who can offer to take care of them for a night or two might help you in a crisis or emergency situation.
• Passports, I.D., social insurance cards, medications, keys, emergency clothing, special toys/items your children might need — consider taking these things with you if you need to leave.
• See a lawyer. There may be custody and property rights you need to learn about. Immigration status, rights and freedoms might be a concern. Lawyers can provide more information about these specialised issues.
• Consider leaving the relationship as soon as possible. The abuse will continue, it will likely get worse and will happen more often.
• Do not blame your self. Abuse is not your fault, you can not stop it — only people being abusive can stop their own abuse. You can make yourself safe and take care of yourself and your children. You are not alone. You are not to blame!

Notes on Assault

Police (in most areas) are required, by law, to lay charges when they have “reasonable grounds” to believe an assault has occurred. Assault is a crime. Assault is any form of unwanted touching or physical contact — sexual or otherwise. If anyone threatens to kill you, that is also a crime. Laying charges may reduce physical violence. This does not pertain to all the many other forms of abuse.

Children witnessing abuse are being hurt by it — they are suffering and afraid. The effects on their life could mean that they may become violent toward others in the future, suffer low self-esteem and face many other related problems.

Things to Remember

• Abuse is wrong.
• Abuse happens to all kinds of people.
• Abuse is a crime.
• Abuse gets worse and happens more frequently if it is not stopped.
• Abuse in any form is never part of a healthy relationship.
• You can not stop the abuse — only your partner can do that.
• You can make yourself and your children safe. You can control your own life.
• You can decide what is best for you. That is your right as a human.
• You have human rights, one of which is to be free from fear.
• Your children also share this right.
• You are not to blame.
• You are not alone in having been abused.

Observing — as a result of becoming more and better aware of the struggles of class, race and gender— a phenomena I absolutely can not help but see constantly recreated, I sat, somewhat impatiently, but intently listening as discussion of prison abolition became heated, boiled, and eventually threatened to spill out of the pot. The venue’s owner, noting this, and involved in the discussion, used some words that brought about applause, implicated “closing time”, and ultimately ceased discussion.

Question period started it off, wherein I had the chance to ask for elaboration: “Can you folks expand a bit more? At the beginning of the play, you referred to intersectionality of oppressions, speaking about abuse and neglect, and how those things exist beyond the context you intended to here present. What do you mean by that?”

The play, In the Belly, performed and created by Insurgent Theatre, was about exposing the traumas suffered by inmates of the PIC (Prison-industrial Complex) in the USA.

Enormously, that is an understatement of what was actually covered, if you consider the discussion that followed, which went on longer than the performance itself. Even folks who strolled into the venue for an evening pint had something to contribute.

Discussions of race within the PIC, and more broadly, within a police state, didn’t only ‘come up’, but were strongly asserted into the dialogue by a PoC member of the audience who works with OCAP, and spoke of personal experiences with incarceration.

Read More

1. Gender violence is a men’s issue, involving men of all ages, races and class backgrounds. View menfolk not only as perpetrators or possible oppressors, but as empowered allies who can confront abusive peers!
2. If someone you know — a friend, classmate, or teammate — is acting in abusive or oppressive was, or is disrespectful towards women and others, Do Not merely look the other way or neglect it. Try talking with your friend about it. Urge your friend to look into resources. If you don’t know how to talk to them effectively — or worry they might turn on you, too — talk with friends, co-workers and others: you aren’t “telling on them”, but you can share dialogue with others who might feel good about talking with your mutual friend, or discover ways of helping. Silence Is Violence — DON’T Do Nothing.
3. Take the time — and courage! — to look inward: Question your own attitudes and behaviours; ask yourself if there have been times when you’ve been disrespectful and what that meant to you. Don’t react defensively when something you do or say is challenged. Keep trying to understand how your own attitudes and actions might unintentionally perpetuate gender violence or inequality. Work toward change and growth.
4. If you suspect someone close to you is being abused, harassed or assault, gently ask if you can help or what support you can offer. Do not press too hard if they refuse, but be open to hearing about what their individual needs are.
5. If you have any reason to believe you have been physically, sexually, psychologically or emotional abusive toward others — look into seeking help to change. Many, many resources are available — and no, they are not all “therapy”.
6. Be an Ally! Look into campus-based women’s centres; seek out community programs that support survivors of abuse and assault; share this list with your friends. Attend a local Take Back the Night event and other rallies. Ask some of these centres what support you can offer.
7. Fully learn about what Oppression and Inequality look like — take time to better understand homophobia, gay-bashing, misogyny, emotional abuse, racism, ableism, elitism and other ways of thinking that discriminate. Violence against anyone because of how they vary from the status quo is Not Okay. For example, know that homophobic abuse has direct links to sexism (e.g. ever been called “gay” for speaking up against homophobia or misogyny? This is a strategy — be it conscious or not — to shut up people who speak up.) Be brave and stand up anyway. Know who you are and be courageous.
8. Attend programs, take courses, watch films read articles and books and go to workshops or seminars about gender inequality and the root causes of gender violence. Educate yourself and others about gender violence!
9. Never fund sexism: refuse to purchase products that degrades women, female-identified people and transwomen, or portrays non-male people in negative, subservient ways. Protest sexism in the media, too.
10. Offer the resources and knowledge you have to others. Never assume you have it all figured out. Remain open to learning and growing. Lead by example.

This was adapted from “10 Things Men Can do to Prevent Gender Violence”, produced by MVP Strategies, Copyright 1999, Jackson Katz.