applecores&peachpits

A big, big part of a recent email I sent to supporters directing them post I made (Responding to Accountability and Abuse: Elaborating on What I Mean) was inviting those with questions for clarification to feel free to ask. Some did and here are a couple answers. Please, all readers, keep your questions coming as you think of them. They are helpful both for me in my healing process, and encouraging to others :)

T.D.: …why you chose to define these things ?
It to me doesn’t feel like the thing to do or maybe just things i’d ask someone to do in order to support them through a traumatic situation.

Me: … it seemed to me that some folks were uncertain about some of those terms as i’d used them that day [and there before]. Many of those questions [for definition/clarification/elaboration] have been asked of me from friends, or questions that led me to need to define other terms. For example, one very close ally who identifies with feminism asked me to define consent, being that he only used that term to apply to sex and was curious about how i felt justified in using it outside of sex.

Also, apparently some folks were under the impression that when I said my consent was breached that i meant that i’d been sexually assaulted. Some of the terms were not directly relevant, but I felt they were important to get out there at the same time anyway (.e.g direct action, which i’d considered scrapping, but left there).

I think defining those terms may allow others to exercise more compassion once they understand a bit more about me — not that we can’t be compassionate w/o that stuff, but i know when supporting others i have often wondered where they stand on some stuff and how i can be support that. A lot of that stuff also speaks to things that Jeff and I had talked about and agree upon, and what makes it so devastating for me that someone who seemed to have such similar beliefs and values could act in the ways he did. Maybe I just need to be more clear about this stuff?

Cedar: In the week or so since you told me your story, it’s been rattling around in my mind quite a lot … So it’s taken me a while to wrap my head around it. …

I want to tell you about how I reacted to your story. This is not normally something I would do, but I consider you a very close friend and we’ve been through a lot together, so I want to be really open with you. Of course, the first reaction I had while we were walking was just so much love and compassion.

The second reaction is what I want to tell you about. It’s not something I’m proud of, and it took me by surprise, but by the time I got home that day, my thoughts were full of blame for you, and minimizing of your experience. … even though I could see that what I was doing was classic survivor blaming, and that this was clearly bullshit, it still took me a while to work through and unpack those thoughts.

I want to put that out there because I imagine it’s something you’ve been receiving in various forms. It sounds like your mom’s reaction was of that vein (move back home = you make bad choices). So what it came down to in my head was that 1) I have some guilt around not responding to some needs for support that you expressed over the past year, and 2) I feel fear
around the ability of our community to deal with conflict or create meaningful accountability. As unresolved shit piles up, it becomes increasingly difficult for me to imagine resolution, and so my reactions to new conflicts has become more like, “Really? Again?”

So in short, it’s been a process of recognizing that those feelings of blame were indications of my own unresolved shit.

Me: I don’t feel much blame for your thoughts of blame. I have experienced a lot of that and learnt a bit more about where it can come from.
…
Certainly, I am not judging now either. I think i would be able to understand a lot of where folks might be coming from, perhaps not having a full understanding of how hard i worked to prevent and address abusive acts whenever i experienced it. I mean, no one was there witnessing all these things every time except me and [my (now non-)partner].
…
I am really proud of you for offering this honesty. Really proud, and super honoured, to be a recipient of that.

Guilt is not always a bad thing. I strongly believe that in small doses, guilt can be really motivating (Actually, i have a great DNTO podcast on the role of guilt on my broken mac). As long as we can recognize where that guilt stems from and address whatever insecurities we may be having that are correlating to that guilt. Guilt can be that tiny flame under our asses reminding us about what makes our choices and actions so important, reminding us not to forget about or flake out on being accountable and responsible — to ourselves and others.

Cedar: I guess the next question is, How do we deal with people who’s behaviour violates consent in a pattern of abuse? How is that different if those people are close to us?

I wrote this for a womyn’s support circle — the Patriarchal Intervention, as we’d only-half-jokingly been calling it — on November 6, 2010.  I’d thought about what I’d wanted to say for weeks, and only wrote it a half hour before the gathering.

So, You Really Wanna Know About What It’s Like to be a Woman Living in Patriarchy??

Being a woman living in a patriarchal system causes me to be skeptical your intentions — of how genuine you are when you show interest. It means I feel distrustful: “Why are you even curious? Why is it you are now wanting to help?” Are you eager to show your alliance? Are you enthusiastic to brandish the Pro-Feminist badge?  Are you hoping this will get you better in with “the crowd”? With womyn whose participation you desire in your life or scene of community or home because she provides for you in ways you have not learnt how to provide for yourself?

Being a woman in patriarchy makes me defensive because I am unable to trust — I do not fully trust in your intentions, your apparent desire to be an ally. I am defensive because if I stand up for myself and my sisters, I am dismissed as aggressive or btichy or a hippy-feminist-lunatic or ragging/hormonal or too unfeminine — but if I do not, I am dismissed as another weak female. I am defensive because every time a man has said he wants to help me, I have been left dismayed and despondent: Are you certain I asked for your help before you came to the conclusion I was unable to do it myself? How is it you feel you are helping while you continue to act so oppressively toward me and other womyn?
       For the Record: Helping me does not come in the form of handing me a mop and telling me you want to pay me to clean your floor and then withholding raises or complaining about my ‘inability’ to hold the rest of your poorly organized enterprise together. Helping me does not come in the form of inviting me into your life so that, in exchange for allowing me Your Vast Knowledge of All Things, you expect me to organize your desk or kitchen or living room. Helping me does not come in the form of “bringing home some extra pussy for us to share” without my consent. I am defensive because in order to not feel like shit when you neglect my needs, i must defend my self.

Being a woman in patriarchy means being constantly aware — considering every aspect: it means carrying that element of distrust with me from dawn to dusk. It means that when I walk our of my house and down the street, I am constantly, always, aware of and preparing myself for the possibility of dealing with assault or abuse before I return home. Sometimes, it means being constantly aware of and preparing myself for the possibility of dealing with assault or abuse when I get home as well.

Being a woman in patriarchy means walking on eggshells so as not to offend or upset anyone and offset my already impaired chances of success — in other words, being so considerate of your needs that I begin sacrificing my own just so that I may offer you comfort, so that you might merely consider what I have to say. It means spending hours upon days upon weeks, reading about oppression and empowerment, while simultaneously attending to the multitude of patriarchal oppressions (including working a job; paying for groceries; raising a child; supporting survivors of abuse and assault; spending money on imposed necessities, empowering menfolk who have neglected to empower themselves) and presenting what I have learnt, and NEED you to know, in a way that is gentle enough for our systematically spoon-fed society, [gentle enough for you] to agree with. 

In other words, it means exercising compassion to you — being compassionate toward you, for I know that your negligence of what it is like to be a woman [in patriarchy] in not necessarily your fault. It means that even though I feel annoyed and angry and untrusting and impatient and hurt and discouraged — that I keep trying and keep offering. It means that even when I see you watching movies or TV shows or reading about class war and economics, or building bikes and writing songs, instead of learning how to truly support womyn’s empowerment (i.e. not just reading/talking/writing/theorizing about womyn’s empowerment) — that I still go to meetings; I still read about ways I can show you how to support me; I still do the leg work; I still take the responsibility.

Being a woman within a white-supremacist, racist, homophobic, classist-elitist, woman-fearing patriarchal capitalist system means that even though I can not make enough money to make more money (to achieve some sort of ambiguous “freedom”) by going to schools that are too expensive for me; that although my neighbourhood is being gentrified even though community services are being cut and I can not afford to live safely or economically; that even though I can not pay to heal my physical ailments; even though I can not have days off work to observe my religious events; even though the streets after dark are unsafe for me any where I go; even though I am called names, am denied my worth and treated as a sex object, even though my words are not taken seriously; though I am blamed for my impoverishment or oppression; though I will never make as much money as my male counterparts; though my sexuality is invalidated; though it is preferred that i am subservient; though swastikas are still seen all over the city; though I must fear and hate police not only because “they suck” but because they are the ultimate unchecked rapists, because the police (as an institution) have absolutely NO vested interests in protecting womynfolk; that violence unto those oppressed is not ever as upsetting as violence done unto a white, middle-class man;  and even though …

…woman’s work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or repetitious and we’re the first to get the sack and what we look like is more important than what we do and if we get raped it’s our fault and if we get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we’re nagging bitches and if we enjoy sex we’re nymphos and if we don’t we’re frigid and if we love women it’s becase we can’t get a “real” man and if we ask our doctor too many questions we’re neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community care for children we’re selfish and if we stand up for our rights we’re aggressive and “unfeminine” and if we don’t we’re typical weak females and if we want to get married we’re up to trap a man and if we don’t we’re unnatural and because we still can’t get an adequate safe contraceptive but men can walk on the moon and if we can’t cope or don’t want a pregnancy we’re made to feel guilty about abortion and .for lots and lots of other reasons…

… that I have to feel indignant toward menfolk and proprietors of patriarchy, that despite all these things, I still want your alliance in our struggle, my struggle, for empowerment. I still love and respect my self enough that I will not give up.

I want to be super clear that although I may come off as being didactic, the definitions and responses (rather than ‘answers’) I wrote to these questions are only speaking for me — i am incapable of speaking on behalf of others on these topics anyway. Maybe you will relate or agree with me on some of the following! My intentions are not to be preachy, but to share beliefs I hold strongly.

First and foremost, I think it is important to state that we each have our own terms of reference, our own personal definitions, for many concepts. These definitions and terms of reference are sometimes build through cultural meaning and connotation — sometimes we can come to an understanding of what a term or concept means without ever having read about it, but perhaps through learning about it socially. Generally, I tend to rely on written definitions. You will see this throughout the responses below — my personal definitions are often much more broad than the conventional sense of the term.

1) How do you define consent? [and How do you relate to it?]

I define consent as a situation in which an individual or party has expressed approval, permission or agreement to a proposed action. For consent to occur, the individual or party must have enough information in order to fully understand what they are approving, permitting or agreeing to. Mutual consent requires that both the party in question, and the party questioning or making the proposal, understand the terms of consent.

E.g.:

Party A: Do you mind if I stop by your house tomorrow?
Party B: What time?
A: 1:30 p.m.
B: That sounds great. I will see you then.

Something more complex:

A: Do you mind if I stop by your house tomorrow?
B: What time were you thinking?
A: Between mid-morning to mid-afternoon.
B: I don’t understand your terms of reference. Can you be more clear?
A: Let’s say, between 10 a.m. and 3 p.m.
B: That will not work. I will not be home until 11:30 a.m. I also have a meeting at three and will need to leave at 2 p.m. You may come by between those hours, if you would like.
A: So, between 11:30 a.m. and 2 p.m. it will be okay for me to stop by your house tomorrow?
B: Yes.
A: Great, I can do that.
B: Sweet — I will see you then.

Consent is an issue within the sexual realm, too. Here are some ways I like to practice good consent when approaching bodies or sex:

• I have had a great time with you this evening. Would you like to spend the night with me?
• I would like to cuddle this evening. Would you be interested in that?
• Wanna make out?
• Is it okay if I ______/touch you like this/[perform whatever sexual act]?

I also practice good consent by making my intentions and plans clear, asking for what I want, asking if what I want is okay with the people whom it may affect, and then working on negotiating ways that we can each feel comfortable. Sometimes, we come to mutual consent and negotiation. Sometimes, I plainly do not have the consent to do or get what I want.

I practice good consent with others by being vocal and clear about my needs when my consent is being considered and sought. When my consent has not been considered or sought, however, this becomes much more difficult.

For clarity’s sake, consent can not occur when no consent is sought.

Similarly, someone having previously consented to an action does not necessitate they will always consent to that action. Consent is not a long-term contract unless specifically stated. For example, a woman’s consent to have sex with a person on one particular occasion, most commonly does not permit that person to have sex with her whenever they want. (“Most commonly” because it would be extremely rare, I think, for a woman to give consent to having sex on one occasion and then also offer a sort of future-consent, by saying, “…and you may have sex with me again in the future whenever you should please.”)

Again, to be clear, I do not subscribe to a definition of consent pertaining only to the sexual or the physical parts of life, but rather a definition that is applicable to all aspects of consideration for other individuals.

2) How do you define violation? [and How do you relate to it?]

To violate is:

1.to break, infringe, or transgress (a law, rule, agreement, promise, instructions, etc.).  
2. to break in upon or disturb rudely; interfere thoughtlessly with: to violate his privacy.
3. to break through or pass by force or without right: to violate a frontier.
4. to treat irreverently or disrespectfully; desecrate; profane: violate a human right.
5. to molest sexually, esp. to rape.

 To me, violation occurs when consent has been breached.

 Violation also occurs when consent has not been sought at all, and actions have been taken that are inconsiderate and negligent of the needs of those potentially affected by these actions.
 

E.g.

A: Do you mind if I stop by your house tomorrow to pick up that houseplant you offered?
B: What time were you thinking?
A: Mid-afternoon.
B: I don’t understand your terms of reference. Can you be more clear?
A: Let’s say, between 12 p.m. and 3 p.m.
B: That will not work. I will not be home until after 4 p.m.
A: Oh — you will not be home until after 4. Okay then, perhaps some other time.
B: That would be better for me. Thanks.
The next day, A goes to B’s house before 4 p.m., enters the house and takes the houseplant.

Violation is what occurs when someone has not consented to sexual acts, but are taken sexually advantage of. Violation is what happens when your housemate expresses they need privacy, but you decide to walk into the washroom anyway. Violation is what happens when I have made my needs clear, made sure they are well understood, and the person who has actively expressed their understanding knowingly neglects my needs, disrespects me, and desecrates my consent.

3) How do you define abuse? [and How do you relate to it?]

 To Abuse is:
1. to use wrongly or improperly; misuse: to abuse one’s authority.
2. to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: to abuse a horse; to abuse one’s eyesight.
3. to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.
4. to commit [sexual] assault upon.
5. Obsolete . to deceive or mislead.

Abuse, the noun, is:
6. wrong or improper use; misuse: the abuse of privileges.
7. harshly or coarsely insulting language: The officer heaped abuse on his men.
8. bad or improper treatment; maltreatment: The child was subjected to cruel abuse.
9. a corrupt or improper practice or custom: the abuses of a totalitarian regime. 10. rape or sexual assault.
11. Obsolete . deception.

Here are some web pages that have helped me support others and define abuse for myself. I strongly suggest reading the following pages:

• SACHA Sexual Assault Centre
• SACHA’s Wheel of Power and Control, once posted liberally around downtown. (Just a note: this wheel says physical and sexual, though the information itself pertains to all kinds of abuse and can be applied more broadly. More here.)
• This is a site I came across in November with which i found myself strongly identifying.
• This page, on the same site, elaborates in ways that are familiar to me.
• FAQ about Emotional Abuse
  

In my life, abuse has looked like: being sexually taken advantage of while drunk; being sexually taken advantage of while sober; hearing family members indicate my feelings are invalid when they call me stupid for being depressed. It has looked like being very unclear with a past friend about my intentions and avoiding her to get what i wanted. Abuse has looked like having had a partner make their needs unclear to me, and them then avoiding clarification to get what they wanted; it has looked like making my needs clear and having them neglected or ignored; saying “I do not like this, I have to stop” and being dismissively told I am being crazy or overreacting. It has looked like having privileges and rights denied during times in which my partner is feeling insecure. Abuse looks like hearing “This is my house and these are my rules. Your needs are not important. Your consent is not important.” Sometimes, it looks like being misled completely when hearing about my partner’s intentions and learning their actions do not match at all (i.e. intentions have been conveyed in a way that abuses their power in order to get what they want). Sometimes, it has meant having been offered no information at all about intentions, and later having to go along with unagreed-upon ‘surprises’.

A quote from the Woman Abuse Prevention website:

Isn’t Emotional Abuse a Part of All Relationships?

Many people question whether the behaviours defined as emotional abuse are a part of any intimate relationship.  Assessment tools for emotional abuse usually include a checklist of behaviours, such as criticism, put downs or name-calling. These tools can be misused if the behaviours are not examined in the context of the relationship. In particular, we must go back to the definition and ask these questions. Is the behaviour repeated and ongoing? Is the outcome that one partner feels controlled and fearful of the other? Does one partner regularly change their behaviour, choices or preferences in order to avoid negative reprisals? While many people could check one or more of the tactics indicated on such tools, isolated incidents of these behaviours are not synonymous with emotional abuse. 

4) In what ways can we speak to how we will be supportive and accountable?

… to each other?
… to our selves?
… to prevent abuse for others?
… to prevent ourselves from experiencing abuse(s)?

We can be supportive to each other by first learning how to be supportive. A good first step to good support is active, compassionate listening. A good friend of mine once pointed out that, if while providing supportive listening (opposed to listening as part of an active dialogue, such as theoretical conversation) we are already formulating in our heads what we want to say, we are not being good listeners. I liked this: supportive listening is open-minded, non-judgmental and validating/non-interuptive. Supportive listening allows the person seeking support the space to express themselves fully.

Good ol’ Wikipedia provides an awesome outline and starting place.

We can be supportive to our selves by taking time (outside of work, school, social life, etc.) for ourselves, learning about who we are, how we relate to the world around us and define what is most important to us. Learning what our feelings are on certain topics, controversial and otherwise, is a good way to get this ball rolling. Learning about what our needs are and the ways in which they are being met, being unmet, or needing improvement is the next big step. Engaging in acts of self-preservation/self-love and self-protection are ways we can support our selves.

Proactively avoiding and preventing abuse for ourselves and others encompasses first an ability to support our selves and others. Having a working definition for abuse is also extremely significant — but being able to listen openly and exercise empathy and compassion will help us learn how those we are supporting define that for themselves if we are not 100% certain what our personal definitions look like. Obviously, listening and being supportive can only take us so far. Addressing abuse can be difficult because it may mean addressing someone who is either a) a complete stranger or b) a good friend. Or someone who fits in between.

Preventing abuse can happen by empowering those who are in positions of power, through which they could become abusive, to learn about how to avoid abusive behaviours and form stronger alliances; how to interact in ways that value and honour equality rather than allowing for inconsiderate, ‘minor’ acts of power-imbalances that can grow up to become abusive.

Preventing abuse can also happen by pointing out abusive actions, addressing individuals and expressing disagreement with them or disapproval for their actions. Not something we’re taught a lot about — it can take a lot of practice for some of us. Doing this before behaviours, habits and actions turn from isolated incidents into full-blown abuse is what would be proactive and preventative.

5) How do you define self-protection? [and How do you relate to it?] 

Self protection is any action taken by one’s self to protect one’s self.

Self-protection is what we do when we feel the need to protect our self, due to threat (a threat being a situation in which we are encroached upon in ways that make us insecure). If our need to be safe walking home past Barton and Wentworth at 2 a.m. is threatened, our security is risked and we may act to protect our selves by calling a cab. If our need to be accepted as equals at work is threatened, our security is risked and we may act to protect our selves by going on strike in demonstration of this need. If our need to feel loved becomes unsupported, our security is risked and we may act to protect our selves by doing whatever it is that helps us feel loved (going to a spa; drinking a few pints with a close friend; speaking up about our needs; etc.) If our need to have our consent honoured is threatened, our security is risked and we may act to protect our selves by becoming defensive.

Each of these is relate-able for me being that I have done them all.

Self protection can also look like: denying your employees a raise when you sense that your need for monetary support is threatened; avoiding a friend expressing her discomfort with your actions when you sense that your need for leisure and entertainment is threatened; lying to your mom when you sense that your need for autonomy is threatened.

6) How do you define self-love? [and How do you relate to it?]

This, you may recognize — I categorize many of these things as self-love.

I see self-preservation to fit into self-love. The issue here now becomes defining love, of course.

I could be wrong, of course, but if you’re withholding employee raises because you are concerned for what money would be left to spend on new kitchen equipment and image-enhancing gear for your venture, and doing this because you feel insecure about your personal success as a business owner, perhaps insecure about how you may be judged if you are not ‘successful’, i would suggest your acts of self-protection (in withholding raises) are not in self-love, but are in a kind of self-dishonour, disgrace or anxiety.

If you say to a friend, who’s just asked you to the pub, “Thanks for the offer, but I’d much rather stay home this evening,” even though you are wary of disappointing them, but stand firmly by your choice because you have recognized a need for You Time, and you care about and love and respect your self, you are engaging in self-care and self-love.

If you say to a friend, who’s just asked you to the pub, “Thanks for the offer, but I’d much rather stay home this evening,” because you are avoiding what they may have to say to you, for fear it could be challenging to you, I would suggest your act of self protection in this scenario could be made from a place of trepidation and insecurity.

Self-protection is not always self-love. Self-love is always self-protection.

7) In what ways can we not change those around us?

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.”

Of course, we are all agents of only our own wills. As someone who disagrees and works to dismantle authoritarianism, I do not want to force any one to do any thing. I do not mind making very strong suggestions when considering how what someone else does affects me, or doing work to clearly illustrate my feelings and needs and intentions. I do not mind supporting people on their way to ‘the water’. But i can not drink it for them.

8) In what ways can we empower and/or teach those around us?

“You can lead a horse to water….”

Empowering and/or teaching those around us can look like copying and distroing radical zines about diy gynecology, local politics, worker’s struggles, supporting survivors, etc. It can look like holding shows with bands whose lyrics and messages talk about empowerment and struggle. It can look like reading about theorists and revolutionaries and sharing what we know with our friends. It can look like starting a freeskool; organizing meetings; initiating consciousness-raising meetings; going to reading groups. Empowerment can look like providing literature for friends who have expressed curiosity in your cause and beliefs. Empowerment can look like holding hands with your lover despite what others think about your relationship identities. Empowerment can look like canceling your plans to go to a show because your friend has called and expressed they need you. It can look like volunteering for a crisis line; it can look like calling a crisis line. It can look like having a good rant; it can look like listening to a good rant. Empowerment can look like letting your friends know you love and appreciate them; it can look like being truthful toward your friends when you are uncomfortable with something they have said or done.

Empowerment is how we gain the strength to resist. Without empowerment, there is no change, no growth, no transformation — no resistance. Empowerment can not always happen alone — we must work to empower each other.

9) How do you define anarchism? [and How do you relate to it?]

For me, anarchism is a belief and movement based in anti-authoritarianism, including a rejection of the state.

Ideally democracy — rule by the people — would include the voices of all people (regardless of class, race, gender, ability, etc.).

Alan Moore, in V for Vendetta, writes something I like for simplicity’s sake:

Evey: “All this riot and uproar, V… is this Anarchy? Is this the Land of Do-As-You-Please?”
V: “No. This is only the land of take-what-you-want. Anarchy means “without leaders”, not “without order”.

Another good way I have heard it put is similar: Anarchism is not “No Rules”, but, rather, “No Rulers” — no single, authoritative leading rulers.

I have a tendency to regard the punk-rock “fuck the law” concept as “anarchy”. Anarchism, to me, means accepting responsibility for transformation, living according to equality for all, anti-authoritarianism, and democracy.

Living in this way means treating all others as my equals; it means that I, in so doing, will not be an authoritative figure at any time and will practice good consent (democracy) in all realms and aspects of my life. It means hearing the voices and needs of my friends and community and those i interact with and heeding their consent or non-consent in decisions that involve others.

Anarchism does not mean “do as you please”, that you make the rules, that others must subscribe to your rules, and that those who do not consent are simply getting in the way of your personal autonomy. That is dictatorship and can be autocratic. I.e. the antithesis of anarchism.

10) How do you define feminism? [and How do you relate to it?]

Feminism, for me, means resisting and dismantling patriarchy.

Resisting patriarchy does not mean resisting men. Patriarchy, in my definition, is a system of oppression including capitalism, autocratic rule, pseudo-democracies, etc. Patriarchy relies on the oppression of groups of non-status-quo peoples — women, racialized groups, ‘disabled’ groups, and the working-class. Patriarchy is a system of oppression which exploits groups of individuals who are not male-bodied, not white, not physically privileged and not financially privileged.

Radical feminism recognizes these oppressions and works to confront and transform them.

One way in which these oppressions thrive is through pseudo-democracy. This is when the systems of oppression give us a variety of choices (e.g. politicians) and ask us to choose one to represent our issues. Upon closer inspection, it becomes clear that none of these politicians will represent our issues (possibly because they are mostly white, able-bodied, middle-class males). Radical feminism resists this by supporting true consensus democracy in which the voices of those directly affected (e.g. “the people”) are valued and consulted. This is what makes practicing good consent on a daily, personal level a form of radical feminism. Because these values align so closely to anarchism, that the struggle to confront and transform the system of oppression is so similar, I believe radical feminism is an inherent facet of anarchism, and possibly vice verse — you can not dismantle the authoritarian regime without dismantling patriarchy.

Another way patriarchy survives, and one of the most lecherous ways, is through reformist “feminisms” — a system of oppression through which womynfolk themselves come to act oppressively in the same ways that patriarchy does.

For example, a female manager working in an office setting whose values align perfectly with acceptance of, and striving for, status-quo rank. Though female, this manager is white, able-bodied and middle-class, but also relies on the exploitation of those who are not as privileged as she in order to achieve heightened status. Perhaps she talks down at a middle-eastern co-worker or barks orders at the cleaning lady. Oftentimes, this can happen with an ultimate goal to ‘climb a corporate ladder’, or other kinds of ladders that lead to a mainstream notions of ‘success’ as defined by proprietors of patriarchy.

A really great resource (short, simple, to the point book) on this topic is Bell Hook’s Feminism is for Everybody. I strongly suggest reading this. (I’ve got a copy as do many other friends. I’ve seen it sold at almost every Anarchist Bookfair I’ve ever been to.)

Another great book that has shown me and countless other friends how to be compassionate toward ourselves and the lives of women and practice feminist values is Cunt: A Declaration of Indepence by Inga Muscio.

Listening to some Bikini Kill never hurts either ;)

11) How do you define protest? [and How do you relate to it?]

I define protest very literally — a strong objection.

When democracy has clearly failed us, we protest by demonstrating that we do not consent to our government’s actions, that we do not support its actions. These demonstrations of protest can look like writing letters to MPs; leafletting through downtown about dissent; striking; organizing and participating in large street protests and demonstrations, etc.

Essentially, where our consent has not been sought or honoured, by governments or by any body else, and we have been exploited and oppressed, we protest — we protect our rights and our needs by making our selves clear, by standing up against oppression. Protesting is an act of self-protection.

12) How do you define direct action? [and How do you relate to it?] 

Direct action is a form of protest, but beyond that, is an action taken by individuals or groups protesting which changes what they protest. Direct action is what happens when those who protest have made their objections clear, when alternatives have been suggested and yet nothing about the situation being protested has changed.

Ann Hansen, after writing letters, organizing protests and demonstrations, and working thanklessly to see that a new franchise of sex shops stopped carrying and selling pornography depicting graphic rapes, participated in a form of direct action when she acted to destroy the individual sex shops carrying these oppressive materials.

Direct action can also look like taking one’s work into one’s own hands when the boss refuses to take responsibility for wage theft — for example, an employee takes home paper, staples, pens and toilet paper for their own use to subsidize what he is not being paid at work.

When I am out with a female friend friend and a man who smells of liquor approaches us and asks our names between prolonged glimpses of our chests, and I let him know clearly we are not interested in socializing with him, but instead of leaving, he puts his hand on my shoulder and I smack him off me, that is direct action.

13) How do you define violence? [and How do you relate to it?]

I strongly believe what is violent for one person may not be violent for another.

Violence, to me, is an action or set of behaviours that neglect the needs and consent of individuals. Violence is often a forcible removal of someone’s comfort or safety, as a result of neglect, or through intention. Sometimes that forcible removal occurs through physical force. Sometimes it does not.

When my need to be safe and free of threat has been neglected and impeded upon by a drunk male person, I have been violated (violence done upon me).

When a drunk male person’s physical comfort has been neglected by me when I smack his hand off my shoulder (after having clarified for him I do not want to be social with him and he has neglected this), I have acted violently.

 
14) In what ways can we avoid judging if someone is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’?

Being open-minded toward the fact that our way is not The Way and having well-solidified definitions of our personal values.

If we know where we stand on an issue, but are open to the idea that others stand in different places in relation to us, we can avoid the judgment that may sound like “you’re standing in the wrong spot/on the wrong side of the fence”.

Likewise, when we are confident — truly certain in our hearts — of how we feel (along with the aforementioned openness), we are less likely to be hurt by criticism and become hurtful and judgmental in reaction. We can accept that others have ways different from our own, perhaps discuss this, perhaps reconsider where we stand, and move on from there one way or another.

That’s how I do it. There are other ways of being non-judgmental ;)

15) In what ways can we qualify what is positive or negative?

Haha! We can’t. There are no ultimate truths for what is good or bad or right or wrong or positive or negative. My radical feminist perspective might just mean balls to a group of people in Switzlerland organizing anti-feminist conferences, but who am I to say what is right and wrong? I don’t have all the facts! None of us does — as far as I can tell.

All I have to go on is being able to identify how I feel. If I feel good when something happens, then in that time, i identify it as positive. If i have negative feelings about something, then it is negative for me.

If I feel really discouraged and dismayed to learn that I have been eating a food product that relies on the exploitation of humans and other animals, I will probably identify eating food products that rely on the exploitation of humans and other animals as negative.

If I feel really empowered and liberated and comfortable about not shaving my legs and wearing a tattered miniskirt in the sunshine, I will probably identify not shaving my legs and wearing a tattered miniskirt in the sunshine as positive.

That’s all.

Thanks for tuning in!

Oh! Bonus Question:

16) How do you define anarcha-hedonism? [And how do you relate to it?]

A combination of the above said definitions and concepts — anarchism plus radical feminism plus self-love and self-protection — as direct and active ways of dismantling the non-consensual authoritative rule of the patriarchal states of oppression and abuse of any non-white, non-financially-privileged, non-males, including my self and certainly for the empowerment and equality of all!

Hey followers (and droppers-in),

Eventually, I am going to answer these questions. I intended to have these things all figured out as the result of an events that occurred last week. Doing this took much longer than i’d anticipated (holidays +mental energy required, etc). Consider copying them out and responding to them as well.

1) How do you define consent? [and How do you relate to it?]
2) How do you define violation? [and How do you relate to it?]
3) How do you define abuse? [and How do you relate to it?] 
4) In what ways can we speak to how we will be supportive and accountable?
… to each other (and our communities)?
… to our selves?
… to prevent abuse for others?
… to prevent ourselves from experiencing abuse(s)?
5) How do you define self-protection? [and How do you relate to it?]
6) How do you define self-love? [and How do you relate to it?]
7) In what ways can we not change those around us?
8) In what ways can we empower and/or teach those around us?
9) How do you define anarchism? [and How do you relate to it?]
10) How do you define feminism? [and How do you relate to it?]
11) How do you define protest? [and How do you relate to it?]
12) How do you define direct action? [and How do you relate to it?]
13) How do you define violence? [and How do you relate to it?]
14) In what ways can we avoid judging if someone is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’?
15) In what ways can we qualify what is positive or negative?

Bonus Question: How do you define anarcha-hedonism? (A good question from a friend of mine for me to answer).

Whoop!

To celebrate, i wanna quote myself:

Self protection is being aware of body language; conveying your needs clearly; resisting oppression; empowering your self and others; learning about abuse; learning about assault; defining consent; telling jerks at the bar to hit the road; not dancing if you don’t feel like it; dancing if you feel like it; removing a man’s hand from your waist or arm or body if you don’t want him touching you; removing a woman’s hand from your waist or arm or body if you  don’t want her touching you; asking for help; yelling for help; helping others; helping yourself. Know yourself, love yourself, protect yourself. And if your community, friends and lovers are part of who you are, know, love and protect them, too.