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Anarchism’s Nice Guys™: How to Spot ‘Em

Ah, the Freindzone. Well known semi-permanent stomping grounds to Nice Guys™ across North America, and throughout the UK (case in point Fresh Meat’s Kingsley, a prime example).

This article, as posted from some folks at the Feminist Alliance McMaster, shines a bit more light on the Nice Guys™ profile. As indicted therein, the picture to the right is what the Friendzone looks like IRL. (Please note the satire — we all know the Friendzone looks more like a living room or local cafe.)

Shakesville also offers an absolutely amazing piece composed by their very own Jeff Fecke. What’s great about this one is that it’s written by a dude and written with Nice Guy™ readers (or their many, many loyal defenders) in mind.

Below is (should be — please drop a line in my ask box to the tune of “wtf — where’s the essay?”, if not) a excerpt from Yes Means Yes! Visions of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape.

My business with this essay is the section dubbed Nice Guys™: Applying for Access to the Pussy Oversoul (pg. 33 - 35).

Toward a Performance Model of Sex, by Thomas Macaulay Millar

The term Nice Guys™ is dropped casually throughout the book, though not particularly frequently. Following my first reading of Julia Serraro’s Why Nice Guys Finish Last, I stewed on the concepts and reflected upon the ways the common definitions baffled me. All my experiences (in the previous 5 years) with nice guys involved dudes who looked like this:

Perhaps not exactly “hipsters” (by their own definitions or otherwise) but definitely close. “Alternative” guys who wanted to seem friendly and kind toward women, and “open” toward “different” experiences toward men. Some of them also looked an awful lot like this:

Classic. He’s leaning on the wall of the building that the latest Anarchist Bookfair took place in, quietly reading from a book; or having a nonchalant and highly stylized smoke outside of a venue; or sharing a bit about the price of his earth-friendly vegan footwear to charmed and curious Others. Often seen companionless… but who are we to judge?

After having been beyond wooed (you here have my permission to read that as “persistently fawned over and pestered”) by one of these architypes of Nice Guy™, I considered the options and decided (under the pressure of the aforesaid persistence) to reciprocate a bit. Bad idea.

Are there any other anarchists or radicals out there who already know where I’m going with this? Perhaps after having several similar experiences?

…Macho “anarchists” who talk too much at meetings, adhere to the cult of the great thinkers (drop Kropotkin, Bakunin, Proudhon, Chomsky, etc… all the time), negate others’ experiences, take up space, exert their privileges to their fullest, and generally perpetuate heteropatriarchal bullshit

Urban Dictionary offered that as a definition for “Manarchist”.

The NiceGuy™ brand of Manarchist avoids these more-glaring flaws by employing some very covert strategies:

Instead of talking too much at meetings, NiceGuy™ Manarchists may barely say a word. What few words they contribute may include cliche buzzwords of “class privilege” or “accountability” or “community”. They won’t speak at length about these topics, however, because then it would become apparent they have no idea what they’re talking about. Perhaps they’ll here segue into a derailing anecdote about their own experiences.
Although they may “adhere to the cult of great thinkers”, dropping names here and there, they’ll make sure to get enough Goldman in there so they don’t become completely discredited by potential feminist or she-anarchist mates (they don’t make the distinction).
Instead of openly dismissing or denying other’s experiences, they will take every opportunity in which others’ experiences are shared, to cut in with their own experiences. Usually, this is done in an attempt to absolve themselves from guilt or responsibilities in supporting other community members. Sometimes it sounds like one-upping, but they usually change the subject before you can notice.
Taking up space is something you won’t see them doing. It is not because they aren’t taking up space, but rather because they have developed a method of doing so that others do not notice.
One way the anarchist-identified Nice Guy™ might take up space is to capitalise on social relationships — they will be friendly to everyone and his brother, regardless of how much of a fucker he deep down thinks they are (his comments about which he’ll reserve until he’s alone with someone who he doesn’t think will react). Note that his vengeful expressions of disdain will not be limited solely to other men — the Manarchist Nice Guy™ will “secretly” despise any person, of any gender, who has said or done anything to jeopardize his spotless Nice Guy™ reputation.
Perhaps he doesn’t talk non-stop at parties or gatherings. Instead of utilizing that more standard space-hoarding method, the Nice Guys™ of anarchist, “alternative” or liberatory socialist persuasions may have a regular cycle of (usually female) partners. No one seems to be able to understand why they’ve had so many, or keep track of who he’s seeing and when. No one seems to have heard any of these partners complain (or validated their experiences in any way, at least), so we can all continue to assume the Manarchist in question is still a Nice Guy™.
Nice Guy™ has Got Stylez. Whether “working within the system” to create the change he wants to see (and most certainly wants the lovely ladies to see), or working on a consistent semi-crusty coverage, he wants to do it fashionably! (Note the Cadet Cap — for truly revolutionary Nice Guys™. Women of the resistance won’t be able to resist that devil-may-care scruff.)
Generous with time and resources, the politicized Nice Guys™ know it is their responsibility — as people who’ve got a privilege or two — to share. From each according to his fabulous ability, to each according to their pitiable need. He’ll almost never say no to a request, and he’ll even volunteer and do far more than his share of the work. All the hard work could wrangle in some Thank You Sex from that special, fair, appreciative woman in the movement who’d love to lay in bed and hear all about the EZLN. Some might call eager efforts micromanagement, but anarchist-oriented Nice Guys™ won’t let that stop them — they are doing what is right for The Movement, for the benefit of all! How… nice of them :) Thanks, Nice Guys™! Without you, we would have been totally stuck doing things for ourselves like a pack of crazy “hippy/punk” autonomists!

Maybe they’re charming and witty, or fantastic fun, or a great ear when you’re down — heck, maybe they would be swell in bed — but don’t expect these characteristics to continue when they discover they still haven’t made their way down your pants (or noticed you’ve resisted being cornered you into a position of subtle subservience).

The most potent and definitely destructive characteristic of the Nice Guy™ brand Manarchist, Mactivist or generally Brogressive folks is that pesky habit of reacting maliciously to those who stand in the way of their pursuits for status. They can turn in an instant from accommodating, listening, supportive, “nice” friends to divisive, threatening, vengeful dicks. And they will.

Abusive Relationship Warning Signs

Part I of a two-part project inspired by a produced by Interval House of Hamilton-Wentworth.

Abuse does not always come in the form of assault — you do not have to be hit to be abused.

Abuse can look like any of the following main signs:

Does your partner or someone close to you…

Act very jealous of other people or accuse you of cheating or wanting to cheat?
Keep you from seeing or talking to friends, family, co-workers or neighbours?
Threaten to hurt you or your children or others you are close with?
Threaten to hurt themselves?
Threatening — in any way — to do anything that would make you feel bad? (E.g. threatening to kick you out; threatening to take your money)
Insult you, put you down or call you names?
Insult your friends, put them down or call them names? (Isolate you from others)
Seem to suddenly switch between charming and compassionate, to angry or withdrawn?
Get into angry ‘funks’ — ranting; silent treatment; vengeful behaviour?
Set up many rules for you to follow?
Control all the money for both of you?
Convince you to do sexual things you may not feel totally comfortable with?
Make you explain where you go, who you see and what you do, all the time?
Play minds games; engages in gas-lighting (consistently says they “don’t remember”); makes you think you are “crazy”?
Coerces you to do things that feel degrading for you?
Threaten to take your children?
Destroy or “lose” things that are important to you?
Threaten to jeopardise your relations with those you are close to? (E.g. Children, family, friends, employer, etc.)?
Make important decisions (e.g. about the household, finances, events, etc) and expect you to go along with it?
Negate or invalidate your say in certain matters?
Threaten to use weapons or other objects against you?
Push, grab, kick, hit you or use any other forms of physical violence or assault?
Make promises to change, but goes right back to how they were before??

Do you…

Feel like you are “walking on eggshells” — unable to express how you feel, in order to prevent them from getting angry at you or “exploding”?
Feel like you are always doing something wrong?
Feel like you are caught in a trap and that no one could understand your situation?
Sometimes believe the insults they say about you? (E.g. Believe that you are infact just “crazy”)
Feel afraid or intimidated about talking with your partner about how you are feeling and the problems in the relationship?
Believe that you can be (at least partly) to blame for your partner’s behaviours?
Feel as though you have no choice?
Think that your partner’s jealousy is them showing they love you?
Stop expressing yourself or stop doing things that are important to you because your partner does not like or agree with them?
Stop seeing your friends and family as often?
Feel as though your partner would be unable to go on without you, or you without them?
Feel scared, confused, upset, intimidated, frustrated, anxious or nervous and lacking control most of the time?
Have a hard time eating well, sleeping, relaxing, enjoying sex and/or enjoying yourself?
Are always certain that your partner will change “this time”?
Are always hurt and disappointed when they have not changed?

#how-to identify abuse

How Does Abuse Happen?

Part II of a two-part project inspired by a produced by Interval House of Hamilton-Wentworth.

Abuse, much like any form of oppression, is born of the belief that one person (or group) has “the right” to control another person or group. This kind of control is authoritarian and dominating.

We learn, as we are socialised, conditioned and formally educated, that Power and Control are necessary for “success”, often times a concept synonymous with “happiness” or “fortune”. Those who are most quickly able to access Power and Control, and maintain it, usually are also able to access many unearned privileges.

Some people believe it is “normal” or “natural” for one person (or group of people) to be in charge, and for other people (or groups of people) to follow the lead. A connected belief is that this dichotomy — between “naturally” dominant and “naturally” subservient — rationally justifies the ways in which certain people (or groups of people) are “punished” by those with more Power and Control. The prominent example is that of how men are assumed to be more powerful and more in-control than women.

Much of the forms of media we are exposed to throughout our lives, as well as the ways in which we are educated in school or church, and the ways we are socialised in our families and peer-relationships reinforce these beliefs. This is to say that the belief that some people are worthy of more Power and Control, while others are fated to suppression, is ingrained in many aspects of our social structure.

A person may have excuses for abusive behaviour — “they drink too much”; “they take drugs”; “they ‘just’ have a bad temper”; “they are very stressed out”; “they work a lot”; etc. People who abuse their power and who control others will often blame their abusive behaviours on something or someone else — often the person (or people) they are abusing, or acting oppressively toward.

Some abusers might suggest that they … “wouldn’t have to act that way if you would just lay off”, etc. They may suggest the abused/oppressed people are the blame. They might try to say they simply can not control their own behaviour, or that it is not their responsibility.

If you suspect you may be in an abusive relationship, Remember — You Are Not to Blame! Abusive behaviour can be controlled!

What Can You Do??

Talk about it. Start by telling someone you feel comfortable with and trusting of; open up to a close friend; chat in person, or online; visit www.compassiopit.com to access an anonymous online one-on-one chat to get your concerns off you chest (please note this resource is not for crisis); call a crisis support line if you don’t have internet access — 905.525.4162.
You are safer when others are aware of what you are experiencing!
Learning how to talk about what we are going through is the first big step.
Document your experiences — Write down your experiences of abuse, or times you have personally witnessed the Warning Signs of Abuse or assault. Even if you do not want to take action right now. This may be important for future reference (e.g. if you are forgetful, if you end up in a position where you need to try to ‘prove yourself’.)
If you are unable to access any other forms of support, you might want to consider calling the police. Know that police may not validate your struggles, and they may not actually do anything to protect you. Sometimes, the police may dismiss your concerns, or even put you in positions that could further jeopardize your safety. If you can prove (with evidence deemed ‘acceptable’ by the police) that you have been assaulted, you may be able to achieve a restraining order.
Consider contacting a shelter — they may be able to offer a place to stay, free/low-cost counselling, or phone support. You do not have to struggle alone!
Develop a safety plan. Know about all the ways to get out of the house, or have friends/support on call if you can. If you can keep a bag of resources, possibly hidden, but accessible for you, it could help — $40, list of numbers, bandages, extra tampons, etc.
Memorise emergency numbers; keep spare keeps handy. Write out a second or third list of important numbers; keep a bit of spare cash handy.
Learn the locations of nearby shelters.
If you have children, plan ahead. Having someone in-the-know who can offer to take care of them for a night or two might help you in a crisis or emergency situation.
Passports, I.D., social insurance cards, medications, keys, emergency clothing, special toys/items your children might need — consider taking these things with you if you need to leave.
See a lawyer. There may be custody and property rights you need to learn about. Immigration status, rights and freedoms might be a concern. Lawyers can provide more information about these specialised issues.
Consider leaving the relationship as soon as possible. The abuse will continue, it will likely get worse and will happen more often.
Do not blame your self. Abuse is not your fault, you can not stop it — only people being abusive can stop their own abuse. You can make yourself safe and take care of yourself and your children. You are not alone. You are not to blame!

Notes on Assault

Police (in most areas) are required, by law, to lay charges when they have “reasonable grounds” to believe an assault has occurred. Assault is a crime. Assault is any form of unwanted touching or physical contact — sexual or otherwise. If anyone threatens to kill you, that is also a crime. Laying charges may reduce physical violence. This does not pertain to all the many other forms of abuse.

Children witnessing abuse are being hurt by it — they are suffering and afraid. The effects on their life could mean that they may become violent toward others in the future, suffer low self-esteem and face many other related problems.

Things to Remember

Abuse is wrong.
Abuse happens to all kinds of people.
Abuse is a crime.
Abuse gets worse and happens more frequently if it is not stopped.
Abuse in any form is never part of a healthy relationship.
You can not stop the abuse — only your partner can do that.
You can make yourself and your children safe. You can control your own life.
You can decide what is best for you. That is your right as a human.
You have human rights, one of which is to be free from fear.
Your children also share this right.
You are not to blame.
You are not alone in having been abused.

Is an Open Relationship for You?

This has been adapted from the Self-Evaluation in Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, by Traintan Taormino.You can download the original and other resources here.

What are your beliefs about monogamy?

If you’ve been in monogamous relationships before, how did you generally feel in those relationships? How did these relationships work, or not work, for you?
Do you believe someone can love or be “in love with” more than one person at one a time?
What role does sex play in your relationships? How important is sex to you? What does it mean in your life?
Can you have sex without an emotional attachment? How are sex and love related or not related for you?

If you are currently in a relationship:

What is the general state of the relationship? Do you feel stable and secure?
What are your most common conflicts with your partner?
Do both of you want to explore a different relationship structure?
Do you have needs — sexual, emotional, spiritual, etc. — that aren’t being fulfilled?

Imagine your partner having sex with another person. It’s important to be truly honest, not censor yourself, and really let yourself feel what that would be like for you:

What feelings does that bring up?
What would be your worst fear about it?
What would the best-case scenario for that situation look like (for you)?
What would be an absolute deal-breaker?

Imagine your partner in a relationship with another person. It’s important to be truly honest, not censor yourself, and really let yourself feel what that would be like for you:

What feelings does that bring up?
What would be your worst fear about it?
What would the best-case scenario for that situation look like (for you)?
What would be an absolute deal-breaker?

How do you handle feelings?

Do you consider yourself to experience jealousy often? How do you deal with intense feelings like anger, jealousy, and resentment?
Are you able to determine what your boundaries are and communicate them effectively to others?
When something is bothering you, do you more often keep it to yourself or share it openly?
Do you have the ability to communicate openly and honestly? Even about difficult issues?
When conflict does arise, how do you usually handle it?

How available are you?

Do you have the time to nurture and grow more than one loving relationship?
Do you have the energy to devote to several different people and/or multiple lovers?
Do you have access to potential partners who have nonmonogyamy experience and strong* relationship skills?
Do you have the self-knowledge and communication skills to be in an open relationship?

*Please pardon previous hilarious typo. ;)

How to Fuck Up

faketrain:

When you “Fuck Up” (whether the fuck-up is minor or major) practice the “Four A’s”.

siriuslydeep:

When you “Fuck Up” (whether the fuck-up is minor or major) practice the “Four A’s”.

Acknowledgment

Apology

Amends

Action

#1) Acknowledgment — is really important, IMO, because if you don’t realize what you actually did, and how it was “fucked up”, there’s a high probability that you are going to do it again — a very high probability.

#2) Apology — is also really important — but it has to be genuine (which requires #1 - Acknowledgment). Saying things like “I’m sorry if you felt bad about what I said/wrote” or “I’m sorry if your feelings got hurt”, is, IMO, completely different from saying “I’m sorry that I said/wrote that. I see how it was fucked up, and here’s how I know that it was fucked up … . . “. (Keep in mind that “if” is a word reserved for hypotheticals, and doesn’t usually refer to real life. When used in apology, “if” is usually just a dilutive, and if you can’t really apologize, then don’t apologize at all. Sort of a perverse Thumper ethic.)

#3) Amends — sometimes the energy required to actually think about how you fucked up and make an honest acknowledgment/apology is enough to return balance to the situation (depends on the type of fuck up, though). In some cases, “making amends” might also mean returning money/energy/time that your fuck-up created for someone else. This can be returned in any of a number of creative ways. Example: If you got all defensive in an argument, and therefore the argument took eight hours instead of 30 minutes (hey, I’m a lesbian — I can DO me some processing!), consider just giving the person with whom you got all defensive eight hours of your time to do for them something that they might have gotten done if you hadn’t been all uppity-up in yourself being a defensive shit (not that I’ve ever done that … .no, that has never happened with me… . . OK, maybe just that once … OK — Fuck it! I’m completely busted here … .)

#4) Action — This may be the most important of the 4 A’s. If you know that you did something that was fucked up, and you’ve expressed that you’re genuinely sorry that you did this fucked up thing, then really, the only concrete evidence of this will be that you will change what you do in the future. For me, if I don’t take this step (action), the other three are just so much manipulation.

(via faketrain-deactivated20110925)

How to deal with being called out

youarenotyou:

Don’t tone police. It is NOT your right to dictate how someone should react to their oppression.

Don’t demand a detailed explanation.* You’re basically asking the person to justify their call out. It’s exhausting, many resources are available, and often this is just a way to try and derail, start an argument, or discredit the other person.

Don’t get defensive. A call out is not all about you as a person.

Don’t take it personally. Calling out is not a personal attack. If someone calls you out, they’re trying to teach you something. Calling out is a way for people to educate others on how systems of oppression operate on a day to day, individual level.

Don’t attack the person who’s calling you out. That’s just fucked up.

Don’t assume the person calling you out is just “looking to get offended”. Nobody enjoys calling other people out. To call someone out, people often have to mentally prepare for serious repercussions. Calling someone out might mean starting an argument, during which many people will side with the oppressor by default (especially if you’re privileged over the person calling you out).

Understand that being oppressive is not the same as being offensive or hurting feelings. The damage you’re perpetuating is part of a larger system of oppression.

Realize that your intent is irrelevant when it comes to whether you were oppressive or not.

Recognize the power dynamics that are in place between you and the person calling you out.

Understand intersectionality. IE: Just because you are oppressed by classism, doesn’t mean you lack male privilege.

Know that being privileged means being oppressive, but you can work to reduce the ways that you are oppressive.

LISTEN.

Genuinely apologize.

Work on oppression reduction and being the best ally you can be. The point of calling you out is to draw your attention to how you’re being oppressive, so that you can work to change it. If you made an oppressive joke, there’s probably oppressive thoughts in place (conscious or not) that led you to think the joke was appropriate. Everyone has to unlearn the oppressive things they’ve absorbed from an oppressive society. We are all taught ways to keep marginalized people in their place, but the good thing is that we can identify these things in ourselves and change. And then we can start working on dismantling the kyriarchy, yeah!

Feel free to add to this or change as necessary.

*ETA: Why you’re not owed an explanation.

(via youarenotyou-deactivated2012022)

here’s the thing:

petrushkab:

strengthofourlimbs:

it is not ok to agree with me that someone is fucked up and then engage in a non critical relationship with them. because then you are normalizing their fucked up behaviour.

i’ve done it before. i’m not going to. and i’m not going to let it go with the people that are close to me. i don’t care if that makes me unpopular. i don’t care if folks don’t like it. i refuse to us all to keep annoying our privilege and further ostracize people who are critical.

particularly with dudes.

this.obvs.

Yep. When folks do this — and here, I’ll spell it out for you…

Hear your experiences of abuse or oppression or assault or harassment
Maybe even validate those experiences and fully say “Yea, that sounds fucked up and I do not at all like what has happened to you or agree with what [they] did to you.”
Follow up with you about it — or don’t — but continually neglect your feelings or needs while maintaining a friendship, or romantic relationship (ew), with the person you have both agreed is an oppressive/abusive jerk.
Never, ever, bring up what they know about your experiences with the above said jerk. There are no gentle conversations, there are no check ins, there are know “Hey, I know about what happened and here’s what I think…”

This lack of acknowledgement and action fully dismisses a survivor’s experiences. Every time.

What these people are symbolising with their neglect is basically “Your experiences and needs are not really worth practically honouring. The autonomous life choices of the oppressor fully trump your needs for accountability, respect and validation.”

And I can’t talk with the friends of mine who have taken up this habit without feeling like their respect for me is a total lie.

Wanna Prevent Gender Violence? 10 Things Male-Identified Allies Can Do:

Gender violence is a men’s issue, involving men of all ages, races and class backgrounds. View menfolk not only as perpetrators or possible oppressors, but as empowered allies who can confront abusive peers!
If someone you know — a friend, classmate, or teammate — is acting in abusive or oppressive was, or is disrespectful towards women and others, Do Not merely look the other way or neglect it. Try talking with your friend about it. Urge your friend to look into resources. If you don’t know how to talk to them effectively — or worry they might turn on you, too — talk with friends, co-workers and others: you aren’t “telling on them”, but you can share dialogue with others who might feel good about talking with your mutual friend, or discover ways of helping. Silence Is Violence — DON’T Do Nothing.
Take the time — and courage! — to look inward: Question your own attitudes and behaviours; ask yourself if there have been times when you’ve been disrespectful and what that meant to you. Don’t react defensively when something you do or say is challenged. Keep trying to understand how your own attitudes and actions might unintentionally perpetuate gender violence or inequality. Work toward change and growth.
If you suspect someone close to you is being abused, harassed or assault, gently ask if you can help or what support you can offer. Do not press too hard if they refuse, but be open to hearing about what their individual needs are.
If you have any reason to believe you have been physically, sexually, psychologically or emotional abusive toward others — look into seeking help to change. Many, many resources are available — and no, they are not all “therapy”.
Be an Ally! Look into campus-based women’s centres; seek out community programs that support survivors of abuse and assault; share this list with your friends. Attend a local Take Back the Night event and other rallies. Ask some of these centres what support you can offer.
Fully learn about what Oppression and Inequality look like — take time to better understand homophobia, gay-bashing, misogyny, emotional abuse, racism, ableism, elitism and other ways of thinking that discriminate. Violence against anyone because of how they vary from the status quo is Not Okay. For example, know that homophobic abuse has direct links to sexism (e.g. ever been called “gay” for speaking up against homophobia or misogyny? This is a strategy — be it conscious or not — to shut up people who speak up.) Be brave and stand up anyway. Know who you are and be courageous.
Attend programs, take courses, watch films read articles and books and go to workshops or seminars about gender inequality and the root causes of gender violence. Educate yourself and others about gender violence!
Never fund sexism: refuse to purchase products that degrades women, female-identified people and transwomen, or portrays non-male people in negative, subservient ways. Protest sexism in the media, too.
Offer the resources and knowledge you have to others. Never assume you have it all figured out. Remain open to learning and growing. Lead by example.

Ways To Be Nuetral in Situations of Injustice:

Saying things like “I don’t know anything about that.”
Saying things like “Yea… I hope that changes somehow.” (Cuz we all know how change just magically happens one day, right?)
Avoiding oppressed people so that you don’t have to hear about their struggles.
Avoiding oppressive bodies so that you don’t have to face the guilt of doing nothing.
Putting your fingers into your ears and singing “Iii caaan’t hear youuu.”

(via hermbridge-deactivated20130323)

Generally, the problem with Satire on The Internets is that you can hardly tell for sure if it’s satire.

Assuming this is Not Satire, I have a large bone to pick with it. I guess it’s that pesky radical feminist perspective coupled with a proactive approach and disdain for band-aid solutions. Missing here seems to be a basic definition of what assault is: non-consensual physical contact.

While I’m definitely glad accessible images like this are being made, I see a lot of room for improvement. Here are some more-practical alterations I’d prefer to see on this list:

#2 — Minor annoyance: it’s okay to be friendly to other humans. If you see someone walking by themselves, saying Hello is not assault. Touching them before they have said it’s okay is, however.

#4 — If I were to NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited, I’d likely NEVER be admitted into my own home. Lots of people keep their doors unlocked to friends and visitors. Entering someone’s house without their general consent could be violating though.

#6 — “If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people …” then asking a friend to hang out with you when assault is possible, absolutely will not fix that problem. Not only are a lot of people too cowardly to prevent assault, but if your patterns of assault are that bad, you need to have professional help, or hit some self-help books, hard.
“Nip the problem by the bud” is close to what I mean. More accurately, I want to say “pull the weed from its roots”.

#7 — Yes! Honesty is awesome! Uhm, if you tell someone you plan to assault them, it… could cancel out the possibility of assault. I mean, if you plan to punch someone in the face, and then tell them you plan to do that, and they say “Oh, yes — that’s cool, go for it”, then it isn’t assault (as it relates to a definition where consent and violation are concerned).
Similarly, if you sitting next to me at the bar thinking about how you might like to grab my breasts, and then inform me that you’d like to grab my breasts, and I say that I would also like that, then it certainly is not assault.
Rather than “If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them”, I’d like to suggest the following: “If you communicate your desires and intentions, the other person may have an opportunity to respond with affirmation and consent, or with refusal.”

#9 — Uhm, is this serious? Assuming it may be, I see how there can be a problem in that, if a person is in the general habit of assaulting others (something which may occur out of a lack of respect for others), they may not have the respect to aid their assaultees to prevent assault. Just a shot in the dark there.
Perhaps instead, ” If you’re worried you might assault someone ‘accidentally’, you could Stop and Think about this, and make choices about what kind of self-care and accountability you can take to prevent and avoid that before even leaving the house or making the choice to be in the physical presence of other people. Maybe if you’re feeling particularly anxious or aggressive, you could take active steps to recognise this and then choose to take a bath, or make yourself a nice dinner, or read about how to transform negative behaviours.”

Topical solutions can often leave the problem festering. These suggestions are made so that the roots of the problems of assault can be better addressed from their beginnings rather than toward the ends.

(via fuckyeahfeminists)

Building Models of Healthy Consent

(T/W for discussion of both good and bad consent practices)

combat—wombat:

… A participant doesn’t necessarily need to label a particular sexual encounter as assault or rape to feel like that encounter was shitty or could have been better (although if they want to or they feel like that’s what happened, then yeah, that’s entirely their prerogative to do so).
This is my attempt at outlining what those conversations about consent need to look like for me. This general structure can be used from any contact along the spectrum from cuddling to fucking. I think these questions are pretty similar to the consent questions from Support Zine, but while those are really great for figuring out how you as an individual think about and practice consent, these following questions are a tool for me to figure out with a partner how we as partners want to practice consent.

While asking your partner if they want you to do such-and-such an act as you go along is a good start, I don’t think it’s enough to really make sure that everyone involved is indeed having a good time. Here are the things I like to talk about before gettin’ down with anyone:

General interests

What kinds of things are you into? This is where I list all of the things I’d be interested in doing with a partner. This needs to be done with the understanding that you’re just letting the other person know what you’re open to doing, but those things are only going to happen if they’re also stoked on those things too. I like to think of this part as making a verbal “venn diagram” - we both throw out all the stuff we’re into, then we see where those interests intersect.

Boundaries

What kinds of things are you not interested in doing?

Are those boundaries just for this particular encounter, or is that something you might be open to doing in the future, with further discussion?

What parts of your body can I touch, and what do you want me to call those body parts?

Do you want me to ask each time I want to touch those body parts, or would you rather just give (or not give) consent once at the beginning?

Triggers

What should I do to avoid triggering you? What are your triggers?

What signs should I look for to indicate you’ve been triggered?

What do you want me to do if I think you’ve been triggered or you tell me you’ve been triggered?

Consent practice

How do you want me to practice consent with you? How do you want to practice consent with me?

How do you want me to check in with you, and how frequently?

Do you have a tendency to automatically say yes to things without giving yourself a chance to think it over?

Do you have a hard time saying no?

How can I create an an environment where you feel safe and like your decisions will be respected?

What kinds of things should I look for that would indicate you’re not having a good time?

STIs

What’s your STI status?

When was the last time you were tested? What, specifically, were you tested for? What were the results of those tests?

What kind of sexual contact have you had since you were last tested?

What was the STI status of the people you’ve had sexual contact with since the last time you were tested (if you know)?

What STI-prevention measures did/do you take (if any were needed) with those people?

How do you want to practice STI- and pregnancy- (if applicable) prevention with me?

I’m sure I’m forgetting things that should go on this list. I’m interested in hearing from y’all - how do you practice consent? How can we continue to improve our consent practices?

File Under: How to Prevent Rape Culture.

I really like all the consent practice questions above. Asking these sorts of questions really, truly, creates opportunities for clarifying needs, boundaries, desires and intentions — something that would be hard to gauge without asking about it (assumptions are pretty careless)!

Asking these kinds of things, having a genuine desire for the answers to these unknowns, is so fucking paramount to this. It’s really important that we aren’t just asking away to expedite the process of getting down someone’s pants. Furthermore, if you take these answers, and then choose to ignore them after you have received the answers, that is extremely violating.

Something that I would like to point out is that taking the time to understand our selves, how we might Answer these questions, is oftentimes what makes up wholesome, cohesive consent: Learning how to say No is important — Learning how to accept No is not merely an assert, it’s a fucking required!

That said, “No”, and other signs of lack of consent (e.g. anything but Yes) need to be present. Saying “Yes”, or providing other affirmations, when you don’t mean it is extremely dangerous!

Finally, I want to mention that for some people, sitting down and hearing these questions one after the next like this can be intimidating and feel like interrogation. We must each learn how to incorporate consideration for these things into daily interactions with partners and friends. There may be some for whom answering these questions all at once feels really good. Allowing these questions to become concerns we care about all the time (rather than right before sex, for example) is going to make sure the answers come fluidly and naturally.

I am super into discussing more about this.

(via combat--wombat-deactivated20120)

Community Accountability within Progressive Movements

Based on INCITE!’s Community Accountability Within the People of color Progressive Movement 2004 Report.

How Is Gender Oppression within Progressive, Radical, Revolutionary Movement(s) Maintained, Supported, Encouraged?

Patriarchy: The Root of Gender Oppression

The system of patriarchy is the root of gender oppression. We all exist within a system of oppression which assumes rigid gender binaries of women and men, female and male; which values males and the male-identified and devalues female and the female-identified; which assumes heterosexual normativity; which delegates men/boys/male-identified to roles and positions which have higher status and levels of decision-making than women/girls/female-identified; which assume male values as universal and given.

This system of patriarchy intersects with racism, classism, homophobia/heterosexism, transphobia, ableism, ageism, nativism (anti-immigrants) to oppress women of color/queer people of color. Ultimately, it oppresses us all. Despite our commitment to social justice and liberation, we as activists, organizations and movement are not immune.

Gender oppression is not just an [isolated] act, it’s a state of mind and a way of doing. The patterns of power and control, acts of abuse and violence, and cultures and conditions tolerating, condoning, encouraging and perpetrating abuse and violence appear to follow certain patterns.

Tools for Maintaining Gender Oppression: Denial, Minimizing, Victim-Blaming, Counter-Organizing

Patriarchy upholds and supports gender oppression. 4 primary tools for maintaining gender oppression and for avoiding accountability are: 1) Denial; 2) Minimizing; 3) Victim-Blaming; and 4) Counter-Organizing.

1) Denial

Our progressive, radical, revolutionary people of color as individuals, organizations and movement (just as the rest of the world) have been pretty good at denying that gender oppression exists.

What can denial look like?

Silence
Inability to take any action
Putting issues, acts, or patterns of gender oppression on the back burner (forever)
Viewing issues, acts, or patterns of gender oppression as individual, personal, private rather than acts of gender oppression requiring public and collective responsibility and solutions
Writing off sexual harassment or sexual assault as a “date,” “affection,” “showing that he likes you,” “flirting,” “misunderstandings,” etc.
Viewing any issue of gender oppression (which requires more than abstract talk) as “bourgeois,” “middle class,” “white feminist,” “dividing our movement,” playing into the hands of the race/class/nation enemy

2) Minimizing

Our progressive, radical, revolutionary people of color as individuals, organizations and movements (just as the rest of the world) have been pretty good at minimizing gender oppression as an issue or minimizing situations/acts/patterns of gender oppression.

What can minimizing look like?

Putting issues, acts, or patterns of gender oppression on the back burner (forever)
Viewing issues, acts, or patterns of gender oppression as individual, personal, private rather than acts of gender oppression requiring public and collective responsibility and solutions
Writing issues, acts, or patterns of gender oppression off as a “misunderstanding”
Writing sexual harassment or assault off as “dating,” “asking someone out”
Writing domestic or intimate partner violence off as “fighting,” “an argument,” “they have problems,” “they both have problems,” “she should just leave him (or her)”
Viewing any issue of gender oppression (which requires more than abstract talk) as taking away from the “real” and/or “important” work
Hoping that it goes away or the people raising or causing the issues go away
Addressing it very ineffectually (and knowing it) (E.g. “They’re my friend — I don’t wanna address this with them.”; “They aren’t my friend, why should I address this with them?”)

3) Victim-Blaming

Our progressive, radical, revolutionary people of color as individuals, organizations and movements (just as the rest of the world) have been pretty good at blaming the victim or others who call for accountability when gender oppression as an issue or a situation of gender oppression arises. This blaming the victim or allies is often combined with denial and minimizing.

What can victim-blaming look like?

Calling the people (usually women) raising the issue of gender abuse, oppression or violence
“bourgeois,” “middle class” “white feminist,” “dividing the movement,” “destroying unity,” “lynching,” taking us away from the “real” or “serious” work, a race/class/nation enemy
Blaming women/girls who raise the issue of gender oppression, abuse or violence as “deserving it,” a “flirt,” “young,” “wants attention,” “must have done something wrong,” a “slut,” “man-hater,” a ‘lesbian/dyke,” “making a power play”
Blaming women/girls who take a stand against gender oppression as ‘bitches,” “controlling,” “angry,” “man-haters,” “lesbians/dykes,” “white feminists”
Turning abusers into victims by naming people (usually men) accused of sexist, abusive, or violent attitudes and behavior as “victims,” “nice guys,” “heroes,” “important to our work (more important than the women/girls raising the issue or victim to abuse)”

4) Counter-Organizing

Our progressive, radical, revolutionary people of color as individuals, organizations and movements (just as the rest of the world) have been pretty good at using the skills and tactics better used for fighting real enemies against people (usually women/girls/female-identified) who raise the issue of gender oppression, abuse or violence or a situation of gender oppression, abuse or violence.

Basically, this means that our own people (mostly men/boys/male-identified but also women/girls/femaleidentified) have been good at counter-organizing. And counter-organizing can involve a higher level of the devaluation, deceit, and manipulation which are all also a part of the dynamics of gender oppression and avoidance of accountability.

What can counter-organizing look like?

Harassing, demeaning, denouncing, gossiping about, spreading rumors and lies about or threatening to do these things to women who raise the issue of gender oppression either as survivors/victims or as allies
Demoting, firing or threatening to demote or fire women who raise the issue of gender oppression
either as survivors/victims or as allies
Isolating or discrediting persons who raise concerns and/or call for accountability
Questioning the legitimacy of concerns to detract from the need to be accountable
Questioning the legitimacy of the accountability process to detract from the need to be accountable
Accusing others of abuse in order to call attention away from own accountability
Denying, minimizing, victim blaming, and plain-old lying about doing any of these things when called on it

More on Counter-Organizing (or: What Is the Opposite of Accountability?)

People who commit acts of gender oppression, abuse, and violence can add on all sorts of additional manipulative behavior in order to: 1) Make sure their victims/survivors don’t do anything back, 2) Make sure they don’t get caught, 3) Make sure that if they do get caught they can get out of it.

These 3 things are the OPPOSITE of ACCOUNTABILTY.

1) Make sure their victims/survivors don’t do anything back

Pick someone who they think won’t [speak out about abuse] or is not in a position to [speak about it] (I.e. someone vulnerable, powerless, young; someone who feels guilty or responsible, is not believed by others, etc.)
Uses denial (I.e. Silence; “I didn’t do anything”; ‘What did I do?”; blatantly neglect or lies)
Uses minimizing (I.e. “I didn’t do anything”; “It was nothing”; “It didn’t mean anything”; ‘I’ll never do it again”; “It was such a little thing”; “What’s that?”)
Tries to make [the survivor] believe it’s their fault (I.e. “You wanted it”; “you asked for it”; “you didn’t say ‘No’; “you should have known”; “you liked it”; “you made me do it”; “you provoked it”)
Discredits [the survivor’s] work and/or personality (E.g. “They’re crazy”)
Threatens them by saying that they’ll out them about something, ruin their reputation, will make up stories, etc. (Or does these things.)
Threatens them with physical harm, firing them, calling the police on them, calling INS, hurting family or friends or pets, etc. (Or does this things.)

2) Make sure they don’t get caught

Do [manipulative or oppressive] things when people aren’t looking or in ways that people can’t see
Start discrediting their survivor/victim, their work or personality, so that anything they say won’t be believed [by individuals within the community].
Organize to isolate the survivor/victim and any allies
Act in heroic, self-sacrificing or other ways so that will make people think they could do no wrong or feel indebted to them

3) Make sure if they do get caught, they can get out of it

All the things in 1 and 2 (may be heightened)
Make up a story or stories “explaining” away their behavior (E.g. “I was drunk”; “It didn’t go like that”; etc.)
Silently (or not so silently) threaten those who try to do something to raise the issue or confront them
Threaten to sue, call the police, call INS, report to funders
Claim that they are being a victim; may refer to being a victim of “white feminists,” being victim to the race/class enemy
Claim that the accusations are “personal gripes,” “individual issues,” “power-plays” (I.e. continually discrediting the survivor’s experiences)
Apologize and think that is all they have to do.
Apologize and then get mad if they have to do anything else
Say that they “didn’t know” and expect this to be all they have to do
Say that “it’s a misunderstanding” and expect this to be all they have to do
Say they “didn’t mean it” and expect this to be all they have to do
Cry (can look like remorse but can be a way to get people to feel sorry for them)
Start making excuses for their behavior (not to explain or understand, but to excuse their behavior and avoid accountability) (E.g. “I had bad childhood”; “I am stressed”, “I have too much work”, “This is too much responsibility”, “I am so dedicated to ‘the movement’.”)
Try to meet with the victim/survivor as a good-will gesture or as a way to be direct and honest (but really to interrogate/intimidate them)
Use leaders sometimes from outside of the community to back them up, e.g., white allies with power and a reason to back up a person of color to look good especially when the survivor/victim is someone less powerful
Use relationships with respected folks within the movement to back them up, prove that they cannot be abusers, shield them from accountability (E.g. “Well, the guy who organized those rallies is my best friend, and he thinks this is no big deal.”)
Quit, distance themselves from people, or leave immediately if they think they have to take some accountability (not for reasons of the victim/survivor’s safety or because it’s the right thing to do, but because they want to avoid accountability)
Use delaying tactics until everyone gets worn out

And It Can Get Even Sneakier and Nastier

Some oppressive, abusive, and/or violent people (mostly men/boys/male-identified but also women/girls/female-identified/transgender) go beyond these actions and devote considerable energy towards increasing their opportunities for abuse. Some examples include:

Chronic abusers, harassers, rapists, batterers, etc. [people who are generally chronically abusive of their power/privilege with little or no accountability] who find one person (usually women/girls/female-identified) after another to oppress and abuse (E.g. Are perhaps seldom ‘single’, few people know their partners very well, etc.)
Abusive persons who ask others to cover for them or organize others to cover for them
Abusive persons who “mentor” other (often less-powerful or younger) individuals in order to exercise power and control over them or to take advantage of them
Abusive persons who “mentor” other (often less-powerful or younger) individuals in order to groom these others to mimic their attitudes and behaviors and to offer protection
Abusive persons who use their skills to gain positions of leadership, status and power within the political movement in part to gain more power and control over others, increasing opportunities for abuse and escape from accountability

From the epic zine, The Revolution Starts at Home
Download the Entire Zine Here (.pdf)