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“The Community n Stuff”

Not that it’s usually my habit of taking advantage of a surprise group gathering to air my grievances about anything with which members of that group might be involved, but today, I felt strongly and ear-reddeningly tempted.

An old friend was visiting. Since the birth of her child and departure from the city, it’s been hard to stay in touch. A course nearby has her in the city for the week with her partner and newborn.  She invited a handful of friends to chat over lunch. It was a bit last minute for me to find out that our reunion would be a group affair, but it seemed like a take-it-or-leave-it situation. Being that I love this friend, I went, regardless of my instinct to question my comfort levels around other invitees. 

After food arrangements were figured out and the baby was happily toddling up and down the hallways, dutifully disturbing meetings and the chaplaincy office, my friend, let’s here call her Galix, spoke up with what felt like a respectably bold question:

So, what’s new? How’s this city feeling lately? — you know, the community and stuff…

Having just days ago reflected on how a handful of survivors, myself included, appear to be at the fulcrum of apparent schism within “the community”, my choice to respond came swift and not unlike a strong and sudden southerly wind as I attempted to assert the notion that it was a topic of contention. I was pleased that, given the context — friends in whom I’d come to feel disappointed and hurt by, a short timeline and what was to otherwise be a friendly lunch — there was some vague back up to my reply. 

I really think that it depend on who you ask.

I said. And luckily came

and what kind of week they’re having.

from beside me. Another friend chimed in with a reply that echoed the sentiments of uncertainty and communally-felt disconnect. 

Perhaps it’s all projection on my behalf. Over a year ago, I dropped a pretty heavy A-bomb: “Abuser” — an apt description for my ex-partner and one that I made as public as possible given the various restrictions I was under (and still am). For those who’ve had similar experiences, I’m certain it would suffice to say that did not go over all too well. For the handful who have not been through this experience, or sought to resolve it, you may not have noticed the effects.

Here’s one: People Stop Talking To You. 

Examples:

Q: Have you seen So-and-So lately? How’re they doing?
A: I don’t really know… they seem to be keeping to themselves.. I guess they’ve got a lot of shit to work through these days…

Q: Hey, what’s up with WhatsHerName? I haven’t heard much from her!
A: She doesn’t really come out to things anymore, I don’t really know what’s going on with that.

Q: So, how are things going in the community n stuff? Everyone doing okay these days?
A: That’s a good question — I haven’t done much to figure that out or participate in communal issues, so I really can’t answer that with much confidence whatsoever.

As someone who’s become pretty obviously isolated by the lack of practical solidarity within “the community”, I am very confident in how I want to answer these questions:

The community feels disconnected and unreliable.

Disbandments and “Are-We-Still-Not-Over-This-Yet?s” put survivors in at least one very predictable situation — Isolation. We sense there are very few who believe us or validate our experiences, and even fewer who which to support us in coming to a healthy resolve. With this in mind — and if the situations are anything like my own wherein we’ve spent up to years dealing with the aftermath of abuse in our lives — what else are we to do? 

“Keep trying,” some may say, “they will never change unless you show them how.” Solid advice for those who have perhaps not being “showing them how” for several years.

There’s a point at which you begin to see it differently.

The amount of energy we put into encouraging people to Wise Tha Fuck Up has gotten some of us: 1) a solid inventory of individuals who need to wise the fuck up; 2) lost friends and a weakened social life; 3) endless hours to list on an activist resume under “feminism” and “support work”; and 4) some nasty backlash from critics of “vigilantism”. Perhaps it’s a contributing factor to being in what appears to my finally being in a relationship with a lover who isn’t abusive. That said I’m not about to neglect my losses and put all my eggs in one basket.

All these facts in mind, many of us in this boat find ourselves rowing faithfully toward a relatively uninhabited shoreline, embracing introversion (in spite of what sometimes feels like excommunication) and, of course, writing until our fingers bleed. We don’t have energy left to put into “the community” after we note the promises of reciprocity so often associated with community have been made with little foresight for reality when situations of magnitude arise. 

So, How is the Community? Sadly, it still depends what wrung on the ladder you’re viewing it from. 

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(via Why Do We Romanticize Bareback Sex?) After considering some criticisms of Schwyzer’s article above, I decided to rewrite it without any references or reputable sources: Condom use, i.e. the use of male condoms, largely focuses around three major concerns: the financial cost and responsibility of maintaining the regular presence of condoms; the cost of bodily infection (including STIs as well as infection with any embryonic activity); and the cost of reduced pleasure. One of these costs — the cost of bodily infection with either STIs or embryos — is an intimidating cost that often causes many people anxiety and apprehensions, even fear. STIs will negatively affect the life of any human afflicted with them. Pregnancy or conception will affect one kind of human, the kinds with wombs susceptible to pregnancy, more thoroughly and severely than other kinds of humans whose bodies can not incur pregnancy. If your body is of the latter variety, you will probably not bare the same stress, anxiety or apprehension that is presented by the threat of conception of embryos. The burden of financial costs and responsibilities of regular condom use is one that can fairly easily be equally divided between individuals sharing sexual experiences together. The burden of reduced pleasure is more complicated. The burden of an STI or of conception/pregnancy can not be so equally shared because, similar to the burden of reduced physical pleasure, each individual will have different, highly personal experiences of their own. (The idea being that two people can not experience the exact same thing.) Most of the prominent complaints and concerns with reduced pleasure have come from cisgendered men — that physical pleasure is severely reduced by condom use. Seldom has the emotional or mental impact of birth control and/or STI prevention methods for the woman appeared to be a prominent aspect in the equation. Perhaps the physical pleasure of sex is generally and approximately equally reduced for individuals of this demographic, or for individuals of all identities. Sadly, there has been virtually no accessible media to either prove or disprove this idea. Perhaps a lack of condom use results in a reduction of non-physical pleasure for any human body who does bare the stress, anxiety or apprehension of the threat of conception of embryos, or the threat of infection. Again, this concept is not one that has become a prominent factor in the greater  discussion. Certainly when I have felt anxious or guilty, I have not experienced as much pleasure during sex as I have experienced during sex when my mind is at ease. It is important to know that the male condom is also the only accessible form of STI prevention, with the exception of abstinence. For most people the world over — when it is considered that over half of the world population is composed of people who are not cisgendered men, and when it is considered that sex entails a range of different meanings and uses especially in countries whose people do not experience as many privileges as we do in North America — sex is not solely (or even typically) an act of physical pleasure, or any other kind of pleasure. On the contrary, as a matter of fact, sex is more often than not an act of discomfort and even violation for many people, even within North America. Sometimes sex is a neutral act in which someone is consensually offering it as a service for the pleasure of others (some cases in which, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn, sex is mutually pleasurable). With these facts in mind, the prominent issue of the cisgendered man’s physical pleasure concerns loses a lot of its weight. Many alternatives (to male condom use as a form of birth control) come with costs that have similar if not equal affects on the lives of their users. With the exception of vasectomies, all other available forms of birth control affect the bodies of the woman. When human bodies are affected, it can be assumed that their emotions and experiences of pleasure are also affected, indirectly, by these measures (e.g. a side effect of some birth control pills is depression, bodily changes, and decreased sex drive). Because all current methods of preventative birth control  affect the human body, as well as the human mind and soul/heart/emotions, etc.,  and because many experiences of sex involve all of these things, preventative measures will also have indirect affects on sex. Retroactive forms of birth control, if they involve termination of the growing cells or of the pregnancy, will not affect the cisgendered male body. This form of birth control will not only negatively affect women’s bodies (e.g. pain, hormonal disturbances, etc.), but will also have other negative effects mentally and emotionally (e.g. stigmatisations, hormonal disturbances, etc.). It can be assumed that options of retroactive birth control that do not terminate before birth (e.g. adoption) will affect several humans in many different ways. This is another method of birth control that, for various reasons, gets little coverage or credit. Male condom use is the only current and widely-accessible method of STI and pregnancy prevention that can be used fairly reliably “in the moment”. Male condoms present no long term negative affects (except for humans with latex allergies). Male condoms do present one short term negative affect on the enjoyment aspect of sex, particularly the physical pleasure aspect, namely largely for cisgendered men. Compared to the long list of complexities and multitude of risks and negative effects associated with all other forms of birth control, all of which would be incurred by women (again, except for vasectomy), male condom use is the most accessible and most reliable method for of preventing pregnancy, avoiding STIs, avoiding long-term negative side effects, and, if used well, sharing pleasurable sex. Perhaps this one variable of reduced physical pleasure while using condoms could be experimented with in ways that might eventually bring the pleasure threshold around to where it is when no condom is used during sex. One suggestion is to experiment with the size of the condom. Another suggestion is for us to all to stop being closed minded and self-centered about it. To honour all of the other countless negative experiences of birth control (and STI prevention) is apparently to negate or minimise the experience of pleasure of cisgendered men. However, by putting the physical sexual pleasure of male-condom wearers (e.g. cisgendered men) above both the pleasure and the pain of everyone else, we limit ourselves to a view that honours one kind of minority bodily experience while negating the rest. Those of us with the privilege to debate such topics are generally within the demographic of humans who have the means to act on our complaints and frustrations. Perhaps a good first step is to try all variations of male-condom use before ruling the option out entirely. I personally doubt that the next-most accessible option, abstinence, will be considered seriously.

(via Why Do We Romanticize Bareback Sex?)

After considering some criticisms of Schwyzer’s article above, I decided to rewrite it without any references or reputable sources:

Condom use, i.e. the use of male condoms, largely focuses around three major concerns: the financial cost and responsibility of maintaining the regular presence of condoms; the cost of bodily infection (including STIs as well as infection with any embryonic activity); and the cost of reduced pleasure. One of these costs — the cost of bodily infection with either STIs or embryos — is an intimidating cost that often causes many people anxiety and apprehensions, even fear.

STIs will negatively affect the life of any human afflicted with them. Pregnancy or conception will affect one kind of human, the kinds with wombs susceptible to pregnancy, more thoroughly and severely than other kinds of humans whose bodies can not incur pregnancy. If your body is of the latter variety, you will probably not bare the same stress, anxiety or apprehension that is presented by the threat of conception of embryos.

The burden of financial costs and responsibilities of regular condom use is one that can fairly easily be equally divided between individuals sharing sexual experiences together. The burden of reduced pleasure is more complicated. The burden of an STI or of conception/pregnancy can not be so equally shared because, similar to the burden of reduced physical pleasure, each individual will have different, highly personal experiences of their own. (The idea being that two people can not experience the exact same thing.)

Most of the prominent complaints and concerns with reduced pleasure have come from cisgendered men — that physical pleasure is severely reduced by condom use. Seldom has the emotional or mental impact of birth control and/or STI prevention methods for the woman appeared to be a prominent aspect in the equation. Perhaps the physical pleasure of sex is generally and approximately equally reduced for individuals of this demographic, or for individuals of all identities. Sadly, there has been virtually no accessible media to either prove or disprove this idea. Perhaps a lack of condom use results in a reduction of non-physical pleasure for any human body who does bare the stress, anxiety or apprehension of the threat of conception of embryos, or the threat of infection. Again, this concept is not one that has become a prominent factor in the greater  discussion. Certainly when I have felt anxious or guilty, I have not experienced as much pleasure during sex as I have experienced during sex when my mind is at ease.

It is important to know that the male condom is also the only accessible form of STI prevention, with the exception of abstinence.

For most people the world over — when it is considered that over half of the world population is composed of people who are not cisgendered men, and when it is considered that sex entails a range of different meanings and uses especially in countries whose people do not experience as many privileges as we do in North America — sex is not solely (or even typically) an act of physical pleasure, or any other kind of pleasure. On the contrary, as a matter of fact, sex is more often than not an act of discomfort and even violation for many people, even within North America. Sometimes sex is a neutral act in which someone is consensually offering it as a service for the pleasure of others (some cases in which, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn, sex is mutually pleasurable). With these facts in mind, the prominent issue of the cisgendered man’s physical pleasure concerns loses a lot of its weight.

Many alternatives (to male condom use as a form of birth control) come with costs that have similar if not equal affects on the lives of their users. With the exception of vasectomies, all other available forms of birth control affect the bodies of the woman. When human bodies are affected, it can be assumed that their emotions and experiences of pleasure are also affected, indirectly, by these measures (e.g. a side effect of some birth control pills is depression, bodily changes, and decreased sex drive). Because all current methods of preventative birth control  affect the human body, as well as the human mind and soul/heart/emotions, etc.,  and because many experiences of sex involve all of these things, preventative measures will also have indirect affects on sex.

Retroactive forms of birth control, if they involve termination of the growing cells or of the pregnancy, will not affect the cisgendered male body. This form of birth control will not only negatively affect women’s bodies (e.g. pain, hormonal disturbances, etc.), but will also have other negative effects mentally and emotionally (e.g. stigmatisations, hormonal disturbances, etc.). It can be assumed that options of retroactive birth control that do not terminate before birth (e.g. adoption) will affect several humans in many different ways. This is another method of birth control that, for various reasons, gets little coverage or credit.

Male condom use is the only current and widely-accessible method of STI and pregnancy prevention that can be used fairly reliably “in the moment”. Male condoms present no long term negative affects (except for humans with latex allergies). Male condoms do present one short term negative affect on the enjoyment aspect of sex, particularly the physical pleasure aspect, namely largely for cisgendered men.

Compared to the long list of complexities and multitude of risks and negative effects associated with all other forms of birth control, all of which would be incurred by women (again, except for vasectomy), male condom use is the most accessible and most reliable method for of preventing pregnancy, avoiding STIs, avoiding long-term negative side effects, and, if used well, sharing pleasurable sex.

Perhaps this one variable of reduced physical pleasure while using condoms could be experimented with in ways that might eventually bring the pleasure threshold around to where it is when no condom is used during sex. One suggestion is to experiment with the size of the condom.

Another suggestion is for us to all to stop being closed minded and self-centered about it. To honour all of the other countless negative experiences of birth control (and STI prevention) is apparently to negate or minimise the experience of pleasure of cisgendered men. However, by putting the physical sexual pleasure of male-condom wearers (e.g. cisgendered men) above both the pleasure and the pain of everyone else, we limit ourselves to a view that honours one kind of minority bodily experience while negating the rest. Those of us with the privilege to debate such topics are generally within the demographic of humans who have the means to act on our complaints and frustrations. Perhaps a good first step is to try all variations of male-condom use before ruling the option out entirely. I personally doubt that the next-most accessible option, abstinence, will be considered seriously.

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How Does Abuse Happen?

Part II of a two-part project inspired by a produced by Interval House of Hamilton-Wentworth.

Abuse, much like any form of oppression, is born of the belief that one person (or group) has “the right” to control another person or group. This kind of control is authoritarian and dominating.

We learn, as we are socialised, conditioned and formally educated, that Power and Control are necessary for “success”, often times a concept synonymous with “happiness” or “fortune”. Those who are most quickly able to access Power and Control, and maintain it, usually are also able to access many unearned privileges.

Some people believe it is “normal” or “natural” for one person (or group of people) to be in charge, and for other people (or groups of people) to follow the lead. A connected belief is that this dichotomy — between “naturally” dominant and “naturally” subservient — rationally justifies the ways in which certain people (or groups of people) are “punished” by those with more Power and Control. The prominent example is that of how men are assumed to be more powerful and more in-control than women.

Much of the forms of media we are exposed to throughout our lives, as well as the ways in which we are educated in school or church, and the ways we are socialised in our families and peer-relationships reinforce these beliefs. This is to say that the belief that some people are worthy of more Power and Control, while others are fated to suppression, is ingrained in many aspects of our social structure.

A person may have excuses for abusive behaviour — “they drink too much”; “they take drugs”; “they ‘just’ have a bad temper”; “they are very stressed out”; “they work a lot”; etc. People who abuse their power and who control others will often blame their abusive behaviours on something or someone else — often the person (or people) they are abusing, or acting oppressively toward.

Some abusers might suggest that they … “wouldn’t have to act that way if you would just lay off”, etc. They may suggest the abused/oppressed people are the blame. They might try to say they simply can not control their own behaviour, or that it is not their responsibility.

If you suspect you may be in an abusive relationship, Remember — You Are Not to Blame! Abusive behaviour can be controlled!

What Can You Do??

  • Talk about it. Start by telling someone you feel comfortable with and trusting of; open up to a close friend; chat in person, or online; visit www.compassiopit.com to access an anonymous online one-on-one chat to get your concerns off you chest (please note this resource is not for crisis); call a crisis support line if you don’t have internet access  — 905.525.4162.
    You are safer when others are aware of what you are experiencing!
    Learning how to talk about what we are going through is the first big step.
  • Document your experiences — Write down your experiences of abuse, or times you have personally witnessed the Warning Signs of Abuse or assault. Even if you do not want to take action right now. This may be important for future reference (e.g. if you are forgetful, if you end up in a position where you need to try to ‘prove yourself’.)
  • If you are unable to access any other forms of support, you might want to consider calling the police. Know that police may not validate your struggles, and they may not actually do anything to protect you. Sometimes, the police may dismiss your concerns, or even put you in positions that could further jeopardize your safety. If you can prove (with evidence deemed ‘acceptable’ by the police) that you have been assaulted, you may be able to achieve a restraining order.
  • Consider contacting a shelter — they may be able to offer a place to stay, free/low-cost counselling, or phone support. You do not have to struggle alone!
  • Develop a safety plan. Know about all the ways to get out of the house, or have friends/support on call if you can. If you can keep a bag of resources, possibly hidden, but accessible for you, it could help — $40, list of numbers, bandages, extra tampons, etc. 
  • Memorise emergency numbers; keep spare keeps handy. Write out a second or third list of important numbers; keep a bit of spare cash handy.
  • Learn the locations of nearby shelters. 
  • If you have children, plan ahead. Having someone in-the-know who can offer to take care of them for a night or two might help you in a crisis or emergency situation.
  • Passports, I.D., social insurance cards, medications, keys, emergency clothing, special toys/items your children might need — consider taking these things with you if you need to leave.
  • See a lawyer. There may be custody and property rights you need to learn about. Immigration status, rights and freedoms might be a concern. Lawyers can provide more information about these specialised issues.
  • Consider leaving the relationship as soon as possible. The abuse will continue, it will likely get worse and will happen more often.
  • Do not blame your self. Abuse is not your fault, you can not stop it — only people being abusive can stop their own abuse. You can make yourself safe and take care of yourself and your children. You are not alone. You are not to blame!

Notes on Assault

Police (in most areas) are required, by law, to lay charges when they have “reasonable grounds” to believe an assault has occurred. Assault is a crime. Assault is any form of unwanted touching or physical contact — sexual or otherwise. If anyone threatens to kill you, that is also a crime. Laying charges may reduce physical violence. This does not pertain to all the many other forms of abuse.

Children witnessing abuse are being hurt by it — they are suffering and afraid. The effects on their life could mean that they may become violent toward others in the future, suffer low self-esteem and face many other related problems.

Things to Remember

  • Abuse is wrong.
  • Abuse happens to all kinds of people.
  • Abuse is a crime.
  • Abuse gets worse and happens more frequently if it is not stopped.
  • Abuse in any form is never part of a healthy relationship.
  • You can not stop the abuse — only your partner can do that.
  • You can make yourself and your children safe. You can control your own life.
  • You can decide what is best for you. That is your right as a human.
  • You have human rights, one of which is to be free from fear.
  • Your children also share this right.
  • You are not to blame.
  • You are not alone in having been abused.
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Kyriarchy →

Kyriarchy is a neologism coined by Elisabeth Schüssler Fiorenza to describe interconnected, interacting, and multiplicative systems of domination and submission, within which a person oppressed in one context might be privileged in another. It is an intersectional elaboration of the concept of…

(via youarenotyou-deactivated2012022)

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I know not everyone who says, “Stop being so sensitive” comes from a place of privilege, but the phrase “Stop being so sensitive” comes from the place of ultimate privilege. It comes from a place where no one has ever erased your identity and experiences. It comes from a place where your concerns are taken seriously and the concerns of others not like you are dismissed as secondary. It comes from a place where you haven’t thought about and acknowledged the fundamental humanity in every other person, regardless of race, sex, socio-economic status, sexual orientation, gender orientation, or disability. It comes from a thoughtless place.
(via letsgetoutofthiscountry)

(via zazzerzuzz)

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In the Belly

Observing — as a result of becoming more and better aware of the struggles of class, race and gender— a phenomena I absolutely can not help but see constantly recreated, I sat, somewhat impatiently, but intently listening as discussion of prison abolition became heated, boiled, and eventually threatened to spill out of the pot. The venue’s owner, noting this, and involved in the discussion, used some words that brought about applause, implicated “closing time”, and ultimately ceased discussion.

Question period started it off, wherein I had the chance to ask for elaboration: “Can you folks expand a bit more? At the beginning of the play, you referred to intersectionality of oppressions, speaking about abuse and neglect, and how those things exist beyond the context you intended to here present. What do you mean by that?”

The play, In the Belly, performed and created by Insurgent Theatre, was about exposing the traumas suffered by inmates of the PIC (Prison-industrial Complex) in the USA.

Enormously, that is an understatement of what was actually covered, if you consider the discussion that followed, which went on longer than the performance itself. Even folks who strolled into the venue for an evening pint had something to contribute.

Discussions of race within the PIC, and more broadly, within a police state, didn’t only ‘come up’, but were strongly asserted into the dialogue by a PoC member of the audience who works with OCAP, and spoke of personal experiences with incarceration.

Read More

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here’s the thing:

petrushkab:

strengthofourlimbs:

it is not ok to agree with me that someone is fucked up and then engage in a non critical relationship with them. because then you are normalizing their fucked up behaviour.

i’ve done it before. i’m not going to. and i’m not going to let it go with the people that are close to me. i don’t care if that makes me unpopular. i don’t care if folks don’t like it. i refuse to us all to keep annoying our privilege and further ostracize people who are critical.

particularly with dudes.

this.obvs.

Yep. When folks do this — and here, I’ll spell it out for you…

  1. Hear your experiences of abuse or oppression or assault or harassment
  2. Maybe even validate those experiences and fully say “Yea, that sounds fucked up and I do not at all like what has happened to you or agree with what [they] did to you.”
  3. Follow up with you about it — or don’t — but continually neglect your feelings or needs while maintaining a friendship, or romantic relationship (ew), with the person you have both agreed is an oppressive/abusive jerk.
  4. Never, ever, bring up what they know about your experiences with the above said jerk. There are no gentle conversations, there are no check ins, there are know “Hey, I know about what happened and here’s what I think…”

This lack of acknowledgement and action fully dismisses a survivor’s experiences. Every time.

What these people are symbolising with their neglect is basically “Your experiences and needs are not really worth practically honouring. The autonomous life choices of the oppressor fully trump your needs for accountability, respect and validation.”

And I can’t talk with the friends of mine who have taken up this habit without feeling like their respect for me is a total lie.

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The real weakness of the punk movement’s efforts to fight against inequality is its decentralized nature. The lack of any kind of movement-wide authority to hold abusers accountable for their actions has meant that they can continue to get away with it. This is not an advocation in any means toward creating any kind of punk policing institutions or governing body. Instead, a tactic for confronting sexism and abuse should be tailor made to fit the movement. To do this, empowerment for fighting back against sexism and patriarchy must be made on the basest level on up: individual “collective” movement.
Punx vs. Sexism and Abuse
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Cycle of Abuse — support yourselves and others with knowledge! If this looks familiar — either in your own experience or what you are observing someone else go through — be brave and talk about it!

Cycle of Abuse — support yourselves and others with knowledge! If this looks familiar — either in your own experience or what you are observing someone else go through — be brave and talk about it!

(via terrorbull-deactivated20110707)

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Asker jabwell813 Asks:
curious as to why DJ drives you bonkers most of the time!!!!
applecoresandpeachpits applecoresandpeachpits Said:

A few years ago some friends and I got together and organised to have him speak in our city. I will admit I have not read his books other than the Endgame premises and a bit of Listening to the Land. I went to his presentation and heard him out. My annoyances may be superficial, but still valid:

I understand roughly where he’s going: “Unlearn all that bullshit you got growing up; Empower yourself and embrace autonomy; Bring down the current system — smash the state and blow up bulldozers.” But not a lot of that seems to include “End oppression and fight for equality.” Derrick Jensen happens to be a human who probably makes a pretty good living; who is a middle-aged white male person; who definitely has a lot of power and privilege. Sometimes I think he glosses over that a little bit much.

I just have a different approach than him. I’m sure we could sit down for a lovely cup of tea and likely pleasantly decide we don’t see eye to eye. He seems a little over-entitled to me.

Answer
Community in this context is a mythical, frequently invoked and much misused term. I don’t want to be invested in it anymore. I think its time to abandon these false linguistic games we play and go back to the old model. I miss the days when it was considered reasonable to simply kick the living shit out of people and put them on the next train out of town- at least that exchange was clear and honest. […] In an understandable attempt to not trigger or cause more pain we talk ourselves in increasingly abstracted circles while a moment or dynamic between two people gets crystallized and doesn’t change or progress. “Perps” become the sum total of their worst moments. “Survivors” craft an identity around experiences of violence that frequently keeps them stuck in that emotional moment. The careful nonviolent communication of accountability doesn’t lead to healing. I’ve seen these processes divide a lot of scenes but I haven’t seen them help people get support, retake power or feel safe again. […] We need models that help people take power back and we need to call the retribution, control, and banishing of the current model for what it is- revenge. Revenge is OK but lets not pretend its not about power! If shaming and retaliatory violence is what we have to work with then lets be real about it. Let’s chose those tools if we can honestly say that is what we want to do. In the midst of this war we need to get better at being in conflict.

Safety is an Illusion: Reflections on Accountability (2011)

I have a fucktonne to say about this article. This quote is a really good example of how challenging it is to even understand, let alone agree with the article (given the ellipses; the fact that undefined “community” has been taken out of its original context).

One thing I can confidently say here is We need to get better at refusing to allow oppression happen in the first place. We all fuck up — let’s get better at doing it less.

(via firesandwords)

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Privilege is being scared of being confronted on your privilege, of being called out for not checking yourself, for not wanting to engage in conversations because you might have to have discussions about racism, sexism, white supremacy, cissexism, heterosexism, ableism etc. Privilege is being scared of being confronted on your privilege instead of being scared that your experience as a marginalized person will be invalidated because nine times out of ten, the person being confronted on their privilege will be supported, while the marginalized person will be silenced.

Smash the White Supremacist Capitalist Patriarchy:

 It’s time to stop being afraid of criticism. Accepting it and growing and learning will only make things better.

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SlutWalk focuses on one aspect of the problem, namely dramatizing the problem with blaming victims based on sartorial choices. Even if this acts as an effective form of protest, it does not change the ways that the state itself does variable kinds of violence, in particular to the bodies of women of color, and that violence is not at all based on clothing choice. So I again, I reiterate that while SlutWalk has legitimate aims, those aims are limited and not generalizable for all women.
Crunktastic, in a comment from SlutWalks v. Ho Strolls
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Generally, the problem with Satire on The Internets is that you can hardly tell for sure if it’s satire.  Assuming this is Not Satire, I have a large bone to pick with it. I guess it’s that pesky radical feminist perspective coupled with a proactive approach and disdain for band-aid solutions. Missing here seems to be a basic definition of what assault is: non-consensual physical contact. While I’m definitely glad accessible images like this are being made, I see a lot of room for improvement. Here are some more-practical alterations I’d prefer to see on this list: #2 — Minor annoyance: it’s okay to be friendly to other humans. If you see someone walking by themselves, saying Hello is not assault. Touching them before they have said it’s okay is, however. #4 — If I were to NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited, I’d likely NEVER be admitted into my own home. Lots of people keep their doors unlocked to friends and visitors. Entering someone’s house without their general consent could be violating though. #6 — “If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people …” then asking a friend to hang out with you when assault is possible, absolutely will not fix that problem. Not only are a lot of people too cowardly to prevent assault, but if your patterns of assault are that bad, you need to have professional help, or hit some self-help books, hard.      “Nip the problem by the bud” is close to what I mean. More accurately, I want to say “pull the weed from its roots”. #7 — Yes! Honesty is awesome! Uhm, if you tell someone you plan to assault them, it… could cancel out the possibility of assault. I mean, if you plan to punch someone in the face, and then tell them you plan to do that, and they say “Oh, yes — that’s cool, go for it”, then it isn’t assault (as it relates to a definition where consent and violation are concerned).     Similarly, if you sitting next to me at the bar thinking about how you might like to grab my breasts, and then inform me that you’d like to grab my breasts, and I say that I would also like that, then it certainly is not assault.      Rather than “If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them”, I’d like to suggest the following: “If you communicate your desires and intentions, the other person may have an opportunity to respond with affirmation and consent, or with refusal.” #9 — Uhm, is this serious? Assuming it may be, I see how there can be a problem in that, if a person is in the general habit of assaulting others (something which may occur out of a lack of respect for others), they may not have the respect to aid their assaultees to prevent assault. Just a shot in the dark there.      Perhaps instead, ” If you’re worried you might assault someone ‘accidentally’, you could Stop and Think about this, and make choices about what kind of self-care and accountability you can take to prevent and avoid that before even leaving the house or making the choice to be in the physical presence of other people. Maybe if you’re feeling particularly anxious or aggressive, you could take active steps to recognise this and then choose to take a bath, or make yourself a nice dinner, or read about how to transform negative behaviours.” Topical solutions can often leave the problem festering. These suggestions are made so that the roots of the problems of assault can be better addressed from their beginnings rather than toward the ends.

Generally, the problem with Satire on The Internets is that you can hardly tell for sure if it’s satire. 

Assuming this is Not Satire, I have a large bone to pick with it. I guess it’s that pesky radical feminist perspective coupled with a proactive approach and disdain for band-aid solutions. Missing here seems to be a basic definition of what assault is: non-consensual physical contact.

While I’m definitely glad accessible images like this are being made, I see a lot of room for improvement. Here are some more-practical alterations I’d prefer to see on this list:

#2 — Minor annoyance: it’s okay to be friendly to other humans. If you see someone walking by themselves, saying Hello is not assault. Touching them before they have said it’s okay is, however.

#4 — If I were to NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited, I’d likely NEVER be admitted into my own home. Lots of people keep their doors unlocked to friends and visitors. Entering someone’s house without their general consent could be violating though.

#6 — “If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people …” then asking a friend to hang out with you when assault is possible, absolutely will not fix that problem. Not only are a lot of people too cowardly to prevent assault, but if your patterns of assault are that bad, you need to have professional help, or hit some self-help books, hard.
     “Nip the problem by the bud” is close to what I mean. More accurately, I want to say “pull the weed from its roots”.

#7 — Yes! Honesty is awesome! Uhm, if you tell someone you plan to assault them, it… could cancel out the possibility of assault. I mean, if you plan to punch someone in the face, and then tell them you plan to do that, and they say “Oh, yes — that’s cool, go for it”, then it isn’t assault (as it relates to a definition where consent and violation are concerned).
     Similarly, if you sitting next to me at the bar thinking about how you might like to grab my breasts, and then inform me that you’d like to grab my breasts, and I say that I would also like that, then it certainly is not assault.
     Rather than “If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them”, I’d like to suggest the following: “If you communicate your desires and intentions, the other person may have an opportunity to respond with affirmation and consent, or with refusal.”

#9 — Uhm, is this serious? Assuming it may be, I see how there can be a problem in that, if a person is in the general habit of assaulting others (something which may occur out of a lack of respect for others), they may not have the respect to aid their assaultees to prevent assault. Just a shot in the dark there.
     Perhaps instead, ” If you’re worried you might assault someone ‘accidentally’, you could Stop and Think about this, and make choices about what kind of self-care and accountability you can take to prevent and avoid that before even leaving the house or making the choice to be in the physical presence of other people. Maybe if you’re feeling particularly anxious or aggressive, you could take active steps to recognise this and then choose to take a bath, or make yourself a nice dinner, or read about how to transform negative behaviours.”

Topical solutions can often leave the problem festering. These suggestions are made so that the roots of the problems of assault can be better addressed from their beginnings rather than toward the ends.

(via fuckyeahfeminists)

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Gender essentialism is the assumption that women are naturally like this, while men are naturally like that, and nature made it so and anyone who deviates from that pattern is a freak. Most commonly it comes in the form of “women are naturally submissive and men are naturally dominant”.
This is an absolutely unprovable statement. It is an opinion, not a fact. Look at the amount of gender conditioning we receive from infancy: different colors for girls and boys (in some cultures), commercials proclaiming boys like toy guns and trucks while girls like dollies that pee. Throughout life, we are punished for deviating from our cultural gender norms, and yet very few people find it easy to avoid those deviations.
If it’s so natural, why all the conditioning?
Jennifer Kesler, Why there will be no more gender essentialist comments allowed on this site (via avid)(via whynotshesaid)(via sexisbeautiful)

(via sevenofcups)

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