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This has been adapted from the Self-Evaluation in Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, by Traintan Taormino.You can download the original and other resources here.

What are your beliefs about monogamy?

• If you’ve been in monogamous relationships before, how did you generally feel in those relationships? How did these relationships work, or not work, for you?
• Do you believe someone can love or be “in love with” more than one person at one a time?
• What role does sex play in your relationships? How important is sex to you? What does it mean in your life?
• Can you have sex without an emotional attachment? How are sex and love related or not related for you?

If you are currently in a relationship:

• What is the general state of the relationship? Do you feel stable and secure?
• What are your most common conflicts with your partner?
• Do both of you want to explore a different relationship structure?
• Do you have needs — sexual, emotional, spiritual, etc. — that aren’t being fulfilled?

Imagine your partner having sex with another person. It’s important to be truly honest, not censor yourself, and really let yourself feel what that would be like for you:

• What feelings does that bring up?
• What would be your worst fear about it?
• What would the best-case scenario for that situation look like (for you)?
• What would be an absolute deal-breaker?

Imagine your partner in a relationship with another person. It’s important to be truly honest, not censor yourself, and really let yourself feel what that would be like for you:

• What feelings does that bring up?
• What would be your worst fear about it?
• What would the best-case scenario for that situation look like (for you)?
• What would be an absolute deal-breaker?

How do you handle feelings?

• Do you consider yourself to experience jealousy often? How do you deal with intense feelings like anger, jealousy, and resentment?
• Are you able to determine what your boundaries are and communicate them effectively to others?
• When something is bothering you, do you more often keep it to yourself or share it openly?
• Do you have the ability to communicate openly and honestly? Even about difficult issues?
• When conflict does arise, how do you usually handle it?

How available are you?

• Do you have the time to nurture and grow more than one loving relationship?
• Do you have the energy to devote to several different people and/or multiple lovers?
• Do you have access to potential partners who have nonmonogyamy experience and strong* relationship skills?
• Do you have the self-knowledge and communication skills to be in an open relationship?

*Please pardon previous hilarious typo. ;) 

Observing — as a result of becoming more and better aware of the struggles of class, race and gender— a phenomena I absolutely can not help but see constantly recreated, I sat, somewhat impatiently, but intently listening as discussion of prison abolition became heated, boiled, and eventually threatened to spill out of the pot. The venue’s owner, noting this, and involved in the discussion, used some words that brought about applause, implicated “closing time”, and ultimately ceased discussion.

Question period started it off, wherein I had the chance to ask for elaboration: “Can you folks expand a bit more? At the beginning of the play, you referred to intersectionality of oppressions, speaking about abuse and neglect, and how those things exist beyond the context you intended to here present. What do you mean by that?”

The play, In the Belly, performed and created by Insurgent Theatre, was about exposing the traumas suffered by inmates of the PIC (Prison-industrial Complex) in the USA.

Enormously, that is an understatement of what was actually covered, if you consider the discussion that followed, which went on longer than the performance itself. Even folks who strolled into the venue for an evening pint had something to contribute.

Discussions of race within the PIC, and more broadly, within a police state, didn’t only ‘come up’, but were strongly asserted into the dialogue by a PoC member of the audience who works with OCAP, and spoke of personal experiences with incarceration.

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After reading through some folks’ status updates, and doing some contemplation over a particular status update, plus considering the uproar other privileged white folks seem to be in over the riots in London, I kinda feel the need to come to terms with some shit. Not really *for* anyone —- this isn’t a confessional, and i’m not about to paint my words in a thick layer of guilt so that everyone can see how “hard I try”. These be the facts, may be you can relate:

1. I’m white and able-bodied and mid-twenties. I may be broke ass, but i come from a middle-class family who i could rely on if need be. “My struggle” (by which i mean the oppressions I’m most intimately connected and involved) is dealing with my abusive ex — File under sexism.

2. If I wear fancy shit and leave the house, I don’t have to worry about getting harassed by folks wondering “where’d you get that??”

3. Folks who do harass me generally are not the police.

4. When I mention how financially unstable I am, people don’t automatically assume it’s cuz I flunked outta high school.

5. I can walk down the damn sidewalk, and when shit’s in my way, i usually conveniently walk around it.

6. When someone makes a fucked-up comment to me or about me, I can call them on it — the chances of getting my ass kicked or being assaulted aren’t Very High (though it is not exactly unlikely).

7. Folks don’t usually ever ask me where i’m from and then let me know how much they admire my ability to speak English.

8. I can go to a house show at a house whose front entrance has no ramp.

9. Spending stupid amounts of money on medication is not something I have to worry about.

10. Free counselling is something I can access, and have accessed.

These facts can all be pretty easy to take for granted. Oftentimes, I do take them for granted.

When I started finding and having actual appreciation for the subtle privileges I have, it really dawned on me how my struggles are probably things that a lot of other folks take for granted, too.

So I guess the reason I write this is to challenge you to actually, practically, appreciate the privileges you otherwise, on a daily basis, take for granted. Likely, you’ll find yourself much better able to empathise and understand the people who you want to be in alliance with.

Can Suck My 7-inch purple-swirl strap-on Dick.*

*Not a phrase I use lightly.

1. Gender violence is a men’s issue, involving men of all ages, races and class backgrounds. View menfolk not only as perpetrators or possible oppressors, but as empowered allies who can confront abusive peers!
2. If someone you know — a friend, classmate, or teammate — is acting in abusive or oppressive was, or is disrespectful towards women and others, Do Not merely look the other way or neglect it. Try talking with your friend about it. Urge your friend to look into resources. If you don’t know how to talk to them effectively — or worry they might turn on you, too — talk with friends, co-workers and others: you aren’t “telling on them”, but you can share dialogue with others who might feel good about talking with your mutual friend, or discover ways of helping. Silence Is Violence — DON’T Do Nothing.
3. Take the time — and courage! — to look inward: Question your own attitudes and behaviours; ask yourself if there have been times when you’ve been disrespectful and what that meant to you. Don’t react defensively when something you do or say is challenged. Keep trying to understand how your own attitudes and actions might unintentionally perpetuate gender violence or inequality. Work toward change and growth.
4. If you suspect someone close to you is being abused, harassed or assault, gently ask if you can help or what support you can offer. Do not press too hard if they refuse, but be open to hearing about what their individual needs are.
5. If you have any reason to believe you have been physically, sexually, psychologically or emotional abusive toward others — look into seeking help to change. Many, many resources are available — and no, they are not all “therapy”.
6. Be an Ally! Look into campus-based women’s centres; seek out community programs that support survivors of abuse and assault; share this list with your friends. Attend a local Take Back the Night event and other rallies. Ask some of these centres what support you can offer.
7. Fully learn about what Oppression and Inequality look like — take time to better understand homophobia, gay-bashing, misogyny, emotional abuse, racism, ableism, elitism and other ways of thinking that discriminate. Violence against anyone because of how they vary from the status quo is Not Okay. For example, know that homophobic abuse has direct links to sexism (e.g. ever been called “gay” for speaking up against homophobia or misogyny? This is a strategy — be it conscious or not — to shut up people who speak up.) Be brave and stand up anyway. Know who you are and be courageous.
8. Attend programs, take courses, watch films read articles and books and go to workshops or seminars about gender inequality and the root causes of gender violence. Educate yourself and others about gender violence!
9. Never fund sexism: refuse to purchase products that degrades women, female-identified people and transwomen, or portrays non-male people in negative, subservient ways. Protest sexism in the media, too.
10. Offer the resources and knowledge you have to others. Never assume you have it all figured out. Remain open to learning and growing. Lead by example.

This was adapted from “10 Things Men Can do to Prevent Gender Violence”, produced by MVP Strategies, Copyright 1999, Jackson Katz.